so much to be grateful for

Car keys hang from a sign proclaiming "home", as does a sunshine yellow purse and a teeny tiny teal peacoat.
 
I smile at this simple scene. It is my life. 



I climb into bed. A strong hand wraps around my hip and pulls me close as the man I've always had visions of, is existing, breathing, sleeping next to me.

when i was devastated after our return from the NIH

roar wrote this on our white board

and insisted i finished it

he pulls me up like that

Glass half full baby.
Glass half full.


To me, gratitude is about so much more than saying, "Oh I'm thankful for this, this, and this."


It is an every day, every hour, every minute kind of zest that cements you in the sheer brilliance of a moment; whether it is a big moment, a small miracle, or anything and everything in between that strings our chapters together in a tightly wound epic tale of the book of our lives.

my daddy and my girl.

infinite love.

There have been several moments screaming boldness lately and I find myself wanting to capture the feelings they elicit and bottle them up for those times when I feel weak and start to doubt my own power, my own importance, my own legacy.


I love the little things; childhood christmas songs (alabama & kenny & dolly baby!), sunshine, sparkly headbands, diet coke, sleep, a cozy bed, warm boots, food I was told to avoid, I am swimming in and finding delight in, just eating much slower, savoring every single last morsel. The big stuff: Roar being on our local news with is app company, and our girl taking her first pee in the toilet (!!!) 


And while I obsess over food lately, because I am stubborn and I want to eat all of my favorites for as long as I can...it hits me with the strength of gale force winds, this little girl in your arms? This solid person so open to the world, so gracious to everyone and anyone? The one that looks so much like you, except she is perfectly healthy? You have been blessed beyond all limits to coexist on the same time trajectory with her. 


Nothing has changed, but I'm feeling a little drunk on love & light tonight.


Happy Tuesday.
I hope it has been filled with many blessings!

living on luck, betting ten thousand to ten

I have to confess, I still feel like this is all a dream. 

I know I say that all the time, but that doesn't change the force of it; because it is the red hot truth.


Our girl is here and thriving, growing, living, learning, HEALTHY, blossoming. 


I am SO grateful she is getting older, can't believe she will be TWO in 3 months. I put away clothing she has outgrown, and while the tears threaten, there is so much more. There is gratitude so fierce, it bubbles over and I find myself shaking. Shaking because at the ripe old age of 21 months, she has conquered battles bigger than most of us. Shaking because her heart is perfect, literally and figuratively. Shaking because she was never supposed to be a part of my story, and now she is my world.


I want to remember everything.


She yells 'WHEE!!!' gleefully as we turn a corner in the car. She insists on giving Jack (our doggy) a kiss before nap time and bedtime. She has grown bored of her highchair. She is very into putting her own socks and shoes on. She strongly dislikes having her hair combed. Oh and how her hair has grown. It is halfway down her back and falls into immediate curls. Her favorite thing to say is "sh sh showa" and for every ounce of our grand intentions, we cannot figure out what she is trying to convey. (Although our latest guess is perhaps her name: Sookie Sierra?!) When she is tired, she hooks her right arm around my neck and snuggles close to my right shoulder. High fives are pure magic and everyone must play along with her requests for them, at all times...even Jack. She has a passionate penchant for baths, in true aquarius style.


All of these are normal things and I get that. But to me? To me these normal rites of toddler passage are sacred ripples that propel me into our future together. And in those very same moments anchor me to the present, with the urgency of soaking up the moment so deep into your being, that the memories will live and dance in your bones forever; because you never know what tomorrow will bring.


My eyes scan her; her button nose, her elf-esque ears, her rockstar red hair, her steadfast and curious hands so eager to hold and love and pet and draw and splash and discover and scatter and wiggle. It is then, when I am reveling in her perfection, that I feel the enormity of life and the true meaning of mother.


Linking this up with 

the good stuff

i'm having a rough night. i went to the doctor this morning; reality is crashing head on into dreams i have for myself and my little family.

but what do you do? you push forward and power through. you tear up the stuff you don't want and you eat up the good like it is your very last meal.

the good stuff is returning this week with a vengeance.

this makes me happy.

fairly certain we will officially switch to mondays. what do you think? does that work better for those of you who want to link up? let me know!

the good stuff is...

my man's silhouette against a sunburst and wheat fields. story time at barnes & noble courtesy of daddy, with one little lone audience member, rapt with attention. brunch with the two souls i swear i have known forever (& a day). trying on sookie's teal peacoat and loving the contrast of it against her red curls. waking up in the mornings with a toddler smashing kisses into me and a dog cuddling with my neck.

my little grasshopper whisperer. lunch at the dear lizzie bistro. mini blue sunglasses and a rocking chair.

the tastes of fall dancing on my tongue; zucchini, squash and pears. the way a breeze picks up a gathering of yellow orange leaves and hurries them along as if they are tiny spastic ballerinas spinning every which way.

poppa playing in the sandbox with his girl. the beauty in the chaos that is a healthy, rambunctious, mess making toddler. the illusive promise of a new day. the way the clouds are scattered across a perfect end of september sky, while i sit at a streetlight and ponder the big questions.

a stack of 28 post it notes of things that rory loves about me, from my birthday. books with her frog. our bona fide scarecrow. 


see? this is why i blog. feeling better already.
would love to see your weekly gratitude posts and lists linked up in the comments!
xo.

our 4th of july weekend

tonight there was an epic summer thunderstorm; the three of us (well four including jack, and he is so very much a part of our little family) stood in the doorway watching the skies light up with flashes. after awhile i raced out onto the front lawn to do some insane dancing in the rain with my girl. her smile was free, her teeth gleaming with raindrops, her laughter ran wild through the air, without a care in the world. it was one of those moments i tucked away in my heart for another day when the weight of the world might seem like too much, because in that instant, everything was right.

love Sookie's hair blowing in the wind

there has been so much joy lately, i have to admit i'm kind of waiting for something awful to happen. it is an ugly downfall of the quirky happenings that go on in my brain. 

this is what our june looked like; with a few more things i failed to remember to write down. there were many activities and adventures, but best of all? there was so much LIFE thrown into everything, purpose behind every place we had to be and every event we attended.

i live for nights when we go on little family outings; not really a set goal or trajectory in mind, but being together, enjoying each other because that is all it takes sometimes to remind us of this special thing we have going on here in this little house.

our girl is blossoming right before our eyes...

...it is a sight to behold.



a tweet from saturday night:
Little miss S is asleep, I am being serenaded with a guitar, a fire, & fireworks in the backyard. #livingmyfairytale

 a sweet night with {my} sweet. those nights are few and far between as parents, but they are so powerful, they make up in quality what they lack in quantity.


my favorite things about this weekend:


sookie's festive red dress that her aunt iris gave her for her birthday.

playing in the fountain at our favorite outdoor mall.

my (very) creative cousin's pink poodle, chloe.

this salad, recipe and photo courtesy of our best bites.
the dressing? so delicious. i'm obsessed.  
(definitely worth squeezing out 1/2 cup of fresh lemon juice.)

{photo credit}

also loving?

coconut popsicles

& seeing sookie play with the "big" girls; 

her cousins and friends. 

{why yes, that is my pretty gussy bag in the background there. 

adorable & functional. it doesn't get better than that! }

it is cake time momma.

beyond thrilled to borrow someone's pretty necklace!

we hope your weekend was lovely.

kisses abound!

messy hair means you're here

there are the cutest little hand prints on our backdoor window, a big mess of receipts in a pile on the floor where little miss decided to dump out the contents of my bag, and on the couch, faint remnants of evidence of a finger painting hummus session she decided to indulge in yesterday.

contrary to all of this, i promise i don't let my child run wild.

it is no secret i struggle keeping up with house cleaning when i am feeling less than stellar. honestly, i have days when it is not a priority because sookie is number one and i often need to rest so i don't fall into a vicious cycle of getting sick because i'm not sleeping enough. we have been oh so busy these past several weeks and i am crashing hard lately from pushing myself too far. this is nothing new, an (almost) accepted part of reality... but difficult to explain when people aren't familiar with what cystinosis can do, and does to a body.

(& this is not a woe is me post, just something i need to document so i stop feeling like a failure in every aspect of my life. because i know i'm not but my inner critic is mean and bitchy when sleep deprived.)

the thing is, i can be much too hard on myself and today was one of those days. i reached my breaking point when i opened a medical bill from an er trip in april. i forget what my body has been through and the fact it has been taxed; much beyond what it was ever supposed to go through. it is a humbling and yet frustrating piece of my puzzle. this is a giant glaring piece of valid information that is somehow so easily lost in my heart when i start aching for normalcy and comparing myself to other women and mothers. little miss s has been exceedingly clingy lately, to the point she wrapped herself around my leg this afternoon while i poured a boiling pot of water into a strainer in the sink. stabs of motherly guilt. thoughts like, why are you even bothering to make pasta when she needs you? yes, silly notions such as that. the truth is i would do anything for her, even give her my only working kidney if she needed it.

everything built up today, the dishes, the laundry, the emails, the grocery list, the errands, the obligations; my patience was nowhere to be found and there was a little being who wanted nothing more than to feel her heart beat close to mine while her arms were firmly enveloped around my neck.

i'm sharing a phone call with frankie in south carolina, who is a second mother to me. her daughter laura has cystinosis as well. we are sharing our enthusiasm for the upcoming family conference in a few weeks. i am going into detail how many things i need to get done, the specific state of my less than spotless house, when she stops me mid-sentence and reminds me what i've been given. she reminds me i'm one of a few. only a few other women have been on the adventure i have been on and of those few, two passed away as a result of having a baby.

as soon as i am able to stop feeling like an ungrateful little brat, i move along and aim my chin toward the sky.

rory is working late so he can accompany us to the aforementioned cystinosis family conference. night time duties are mine and i embrace them with my fresh take courtesy of the obvious wisdom tattooed all over my soul.

she takes a bath filled with splashes. she starts to cry. she points to her towel and whines. she is ready for bed. she brushes her teeth. (she insists on doing it herself; and my college educated brain screams autonomy versus shame and doubt, autonomy verses shame and doubt...which one are you going to foster momma?) i clean out her ears. i sing songs to her while i massage her legs with her lavender scented lotion that promises to calm her for bedtime. (it does, most of the time.) i put her monkey pajamas on; the ones with the cute monkey that says "i'm music to mommy's ears" and the sweet summer shorts that are adorned with yellow hearts. i clutch her close to me and notice i haven't combed her hair since exiting the bath. i ruffle her red curls and tell her "mommy didn't comb your hair, but that is okay; messy hair means you're here."

& i realize it is something i should be telling myself on my days when i feel like i can't get anything right. when i'm torn in a million directions by obligations and duties and all i want is to play dolly is in the cardboard spaceship with my daughter. it is something i must remind myself of every single day. messy hair means you're here. who cares about the imperfections when you get to live out so much of the perfection of doing what they said couldn't be done.

 bear hugging the frog 

(frog and turtle both on clearance at hobby lobby)

that chair? was my great grandmother's

i spruced them up a bit

blog post coming soon

they turned out SO darling

 
do yourself a favor and celebrate what you've done with your gorgeous life.
it feels good.

***************


i'm not going to post this every time, but i'm now on topbabyblogs.com and i would lovelovelove a vote if you would like to show some extra love. you can vote once a day and you simply click this link below, then click again where it says "vote for this blog" as easy as that! i'm going to be real; i would be tickled to get into the top 20. thanks sweet readers! you are all amazing.

I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner.

I'm thinking about life tonight; the big stuff, the life altering doctor visits I've experienced over the years, the different verdicts of diagnosis that have blanketed my ears and the lumps they have all left in my throat. I'm thinking about how one smile from Sookie changes my whole outlook. I'm thinking about how she knows more about life than I do. I'm thinking about how I am proud as a peacock that she is this outstandingly perfect blend of both of best and boldest traits and that someone filled with that breed of blindingly bright light will no doubt do big things not only for others but in her own life. She is our little rock star.

{via}

It gets hard sometimes to keep up with this blog when I have health obstacles; it is all I can do to make sure Little Miss's needs are met, that I'm being gentle with my own soul so I can feel better, and that I'm kind of sort of a little bit staying on top of household duties. I always want to be real here but I also wish to always be radiating sunshine, which isn't always the case. It is an exercise in balance. So there is that; I've been utterly exhausted and experiencing weird circulation issues in my legs and hands; it feels like someone is pouring cold water on my legs, my veins feels like they are on fire too and I'm pushing doctors until someone can find out what is going on. You would think I would be used to this type of advocating for myself by now, but in all honesty, it gets so old. I was very upset yesterday but I think I need to find some inner peace and hope this is simply another bump in my medical journey, as opposed to a mountain.

The above quote is one of favorites of all time; particularly happy girls are the prettiest girls. The other day R came home and I think the second he walked in the door he knew I was having a not so wonderful day. We decided to have a little family date of dinner and a trip to Target. I attempted to do something with my hair and became incredibly frustrated with my baby bangs that just don't want to cooperate. I might have thrown a temper tantrum that could rival a three year old's. And do you know what Sookie did? She softly placed a hand of hers on each side of my face, cupped my chin with her wrists, and babbled some oh so eloquent sounding syllables. I laughed. I cried. It was as if she was telling me to calm down and stop getting so riled up over something so silly as hair. I drew from it an "it is okay momma." And wham, just like that I'm cradling her, rubbing her back, kissing her sweet head and embracing her wise almost 16 month old heart that is always looking above and beyond the little annoyances of life to the big joys and simultaneously letting her hands swim in the beauty of the every day.

xo.
{t}

Our Little World

I'm grateful for this juggling game. This race against no one but myself.

----------------------

Saturdays are typically my sleep in days while R takes over parenting duties for a little bit. But a few weekends ago I had visions of a petite redhead meeting the Easter Bunny for the first time. I don't like to glance at mortality, let alone shake hands with her and make polite pleasantries, but sometimes you have to drag your ass out of bed to take your daughter to meet the Easter bunny, just in case.

We braved the rain, the cold and a 45 minute drive, but it was so worth it.

I was tickled she didn't have a meltdown, but was rather perplexed. Not so tickled the Easter Bunny is covering up her outfit I carefully put together, but c'est la vie.


We hid under bright red baskets at Chipotle. Her little grin is so precious to me.

We wore raincoats decorated with cheery daisies.

I loved our day of grooving as our family of 3. I've had over a year to digest this new picturesque reality and yet it still feels so triumphant to type; each time the bold truth of it settles a little deeper into my soul.

I make note of this spunky team we've created with our girl and I smile at how we all contribute threads separately that are woven together to build our lives and make us all stronger as individuals. (& it is funny how a trip to Target makes me see this.)

We climb into bed for a nap and I take careful mental snapshots of it all. S softly following the line of daddy's eyelashes with her fingertips, how we are all so close that our unique scents mingle and crash into each other to form the smell of a family, that is together, no matter what. Each fragrance is tied to a specific memory; and there is nothing stronger than that. I bask in and take note of these little moments, that really aren't so little.

Happy Weekend!
(p.s. - I did my best to recreate this entry because blogger ate the original one. Of course it won't be exactly the same, but it was important for me to try. It was such a sweet day.)

Today

 {via}

Today I was softly brought to alertness from a calm sleep by two tiny little hands rubbing mine; and I could imagine her mind wanting so strongly to form the whispers of "Wake up momma, I miss you." But she couldn't, so she willed her hands to carry out the next best thing.
 
Today I needed an excuse to eat massive amounts of ketchup, so I made myself a breakfast sandwich with a whole wheat sandwich thin bun, scrambled eggs, and a patty of pretend sausage. (aka morning star sausage) and yes, a ridiculous helping of ketchup.

Today I had crazy dance parties with Sookie, and we chased Jack around the house in bursts of playful spirits and lively giggles.

Today I did way too much laundry.

Today I didn't care about my ghostly pale legs (hey, I AM a natural redhead thankyouverymuch), and wore a skirt anyway.

Today I had a good hair day. Sometimes, just sometimes, my waves hit their best and I embrace them.

Today I went to lunch at a new place in town with Little Miss, R, and my parents. The food was less than amazing, but they had a little room of games and Sookie was enraptured by the lights and the noise. For a minute I let myself get caught up in the ridiculous notion of trading money for paper for cheap toys. But there is something fun about that exchange. So much more interesting than just buying the items outright.

Today I felt my heart become heavy with unexpected sadness. The world lost a wonderful, kind hearted man full of zest and a lively thirst for all of the adventures life offers us. He was a dear family friend who became so close to all of us, that he was family.

Today I forced this news to catapult me forward, beyond all the fears inhabiting my soul lately. I must stop throwing pity parties when I think about not being here to watch Sookie grow up. The reality is, NONE OF US know how long we will be here. Such a solid truth, yet difficult to grasp.

Today I put myself out of my comfort zone and went to a Utah Bloggers Meetup, even though I did not know anyone that was going to be there. I met some beautiful and amazingly strong women and I am so glad I ended up going!

Today I watched my girl take her wobbly steps and wanted to cry in the pure beauty of it all.

Today I ate a cupcake, popcorn, and frozen junior mints for dinner. Because life is too short.

What did you do today? :)

Spring Into Style

Hello beautiful people! I hope you are all having a lovely weekend. It has been a crazy few days around here, which reached their crazy peak last night when I spent a few hours in the ER. I'll go into detail later but for now I'm focusing on all that is right. It could be so much worse; I am counting my blessings today even more so than usual. Kisses and snuggles with my girl are that much more meaningful and precious.

Although, I do have to say while sitting there staring at the atrocious curtains that separate the ER rooms, I came to the genius conclusion Nate Berkus did not design them. And that perhaps he should. It would make the agonizing wait for test results much more pretty.

Something else that would make life much more pretty? Some Stella & Dot jewelry of course!

Soiree Studs

Revival Tassle Necklace

Whimsical Charms

 Clover Double Wrap Leather Bracelets

 
These are a few of my favorite things we have lately! I think I wear my soiree studs every day; I love how simple they are, but they pack a punch of shine and let's face it, we could all use a little more glitter in our lives.

We are having a killer special today and tomorrow, get 25% off one item with coupon code SPRING11. My site is HERE and you enter the coupon code at the checkout. This is an amazing deal! :)

Just wanted to let you in on the goods, I didn't want to keep such an awesome sale to myself. Pick up something pretty for yourself, or for Mother's Day for that extra special lady. :)

Happy Easter Weekend! I'm taking it slow but excited to embrace all the little joys tomorrow like pink lace leggings, yellow ruffle cardigans, all the goodies to put in Sookie's Easter basket, our loved ones, and of course...Peeps.

xoxo.

Some Days Rock & Some Days Roll

Some days rock
and some days roll
 
Some days everything is cool
but some days I can't get it together

{Dixie Chicks; Thin Line}


Some days I feel seventeen again; I'm listening to the Dixie Chicks, Tori Amos, Ani Difranco and wanting to cut inches and inches of my hair and put pink streaks in it. Maybe I'm going through a much delayed rebellious phase. Maybe Little Miss S inspires me to be silly and live like I don't care what people think.


Lately, I simply cannot get enough of these pig tails.

I know it is extremely goofy, but these pigtails are a symbol of a lot of struggles for me. I look at her sporting them with such merriment and I can't help but feel like they are a badge, a ribbon to showcase the possibility of everything.

(See? Further proof I'm regressing to my teenage years; I'm finding deep meaning and introspection in something as normal as pigtails.)

I love those chubby little hands, that bow, wisps of her hair.

This was literally seconds after she took 5 steps at the park. Her first 5 steps. We were just chilling with our Sonic happy hour real fruit slushes and she was doing her usual slither up the hill. Glamma said, "Why don't you just get up and walk?" And you know what? She did just that. She stood up. She took a step. Then about four more. We laughed, we cried. I know the uphill gravity gave her the missing piece of confidence she was missing. It is pure elation watching a piece of yourself walking on her own back toward you with such exploding euphoria.

We've been doing a lot of impromptu trips to the park lately. I love this. I get giddy just watching her take in the activity and buzz around us. She eyes the older kids with such jealousy and I tell her it will be okay, she will be big soon enough.

R was out of town this weekend and I kicked it with my girl. I confess, the three year old in me wanted to throw a temper tantrum about being miles past exhausted and needing "me" time that allowed the luxury to check back in with those pieces of myself that aren't mommy; but instead I put on my big girl mommy pants and we basked in the beauty of Katie Herzig's Apple Tree album, delectable frozen yogurt from Red Mango, swinging at Glamma and Poppa's, and the ever intoxicatingly simple pleasure that is sidewalk chalk.

I love this. I can see her little thought bubbles in her head saying, "I got this momma, really I do."

We ended our Saturday with Annie's Organic Mac and Cheese and a fabulous big girl bath for her. Because a pink bowl of bunnies swimming in cheese is the perfect way to celebrate a Saturday night. (& yes, that is the adult in me talking.) I was in such a good mood I might or I might not have slipped some to Jack in his dog dish. The pup loves his pasta.

I hope you all had a weekend filled with simple joys.

These Are The Days

These are the days I've dreamt of. These are the days I will remember. Two baths by two thirty in the afternoon because a little miss thought it would be fun to put yogurt in her hair instead of her mouth. These are the days she wakes up and upon seeing me, catapults her entire being on top of  my chest and neck. I return the robust affection by smashing my lips into her soft cheeks. These are the days she inhales veggie dogs and organic strawberries. These are the days her balance is showcasing her budding confidence. Her grin says it all; hey ma, look at me standing by myself. These are the days her pretend play capabilities are bursting forth into the atmosphere with every tea cup, dolly, and wheeled gear creature she gets her hands on. These are the days she is morphing into the future version of herself at such a rapid speed that my heart cries and sparks all in the same beat. These are the days she has a physical grip so strong on the material objects she thinks she must hold on to, that I pray she has that same kind of tenacity and passion for the people she loves and the dreams she plans.

These are the days of I love her more every day because every day there is more to love.

These are the days we have picnics with poppa on grateful dead blankets. These are the days this momma relishes in simple pleasures like creme brûlée shower gel, Kid Rock, and sushi. Even though none of these simple things fix the big messes, they somehow distract from it all for little moments in time, thus pushing the reminder on me that the only thing that is important is making peace with who I am. That is the only aspect of life I have control over.

These are the days of:
Her crawl has such attitude.
I know, it's like she always has a song in her head. 

These are the days when indulgent salt and vinegar potato chips and a bright green shirt with puffy, barely less than flamboyant sleeves, are enough to make the world seem brighter.

These are the days when I'm grumpy, Rory tells me "Your aura is constipated."

These are the days when we whisper to each other in bed. No, not sweet nothings, but awe of our daughter. I love her so much it scares me. I know, proof that unconditional 100% love exists.

These are the days of flashcards, Sookie proudly boosting the rocket flashcard to the sky, complete with sound effects. These are the days her naps are lasting longer, and momma is beyond grateful. These are the days of trying out big chunky crayons, and momma deciding it is a little too soon when there are bite marks on them and no scribbles on the pages. But it is okay, she will get there soon enough and then I will wish for the days when she was too little for coloring. These are the days of rain glistening on the kitchen window, french toast, eggs, and Diet Coke for dinner, and American Idol.

These are the days my soul is fulfilled with the simple sight of smiles behind a sippy cup.

These are the days I experience epiphanies on the swing at the park. I've been to lots of parks with a myriad of little ones over my years and years of being a nanny. But it is different with my own daughter. A few weeks ago it hit me so hard, with such a force that I almost had to go home because I felt emotionally depleted by one epic thought...I'm at the park with my biological daughter. Blink. I'm at the park. With my biological daughter. Blink. This is something I never ever thought would happen.

These are the days I'm living my own fairy tale. 

Celebrate Gratitude

When I sit down and ponder all the little things that kept me going throughout the week, I instantly feel a light in my heart and a spring in my step.

The key is convincing myself I have the 10 or so minutes to spare.

When I'm sleep deprived, my fuse is very short. I don't like it. I want Sookie to be able to see the good in everything and it feels like such a hard lesson to teach her and model for her. But I'm trying and will continue to do so. Although, I think we are doing something right because at her party she was so genuinely excited for each present. There is nothing like the pride that comes from seeing your daughter truly cherish every gift she is given. It is quite the challenge to always be the person I want her to see me being. I can't always be the best version of myself, but I ache to show her that is a goal she should try to aim for, day in and day out.

This week I am head over heels thankful for: Chipotle, Sookie saying turtle in the bathtub, being there when R woke up from his oral surgery, reminders that even though I am completely overwhelmed, trying to take care of R and be there for him when he is in pain, plus stay on top of my daily momma duties, I’m capable, even if it was just a trip to Target with Miss S, inspiring quotes, hippo pajamas, more winking from Sookie, a dinner that consisted of sushi (for me) and McDonalds (for R) to showcase how truly different we are, glitter pumps even if they were too little for me, turtle bath toys, zebra skirts (even though I swore I would never dress my daughter in animal prints), and shorter and consequently curlier hair as a result of a much needed cut.

I wish the hippo pajamas came in my size.

We were finally able to capture the winking on video. I keep asking her to slide down because she was standing in her high chair and then sliding down, but when I asked her to repeat it, she would wink. Whatever works, right? Also, if you've ever encountered those freakish toys that are sing-a-ma-jigs, you will surely recognize her spot on impression. This child is so shy and utterly unhappy. Ha.

Hope you were able to celebrate the little things that filled up your week/end.

Details

The tiny moments take up so much space in my heart lately and I remind myself to remember every detail with every sense I have, so that it will be easier to recall later.

I obsess over details; I think this is perhaps one of my best and worst qualities, simultaneously. I can remember specifics of certain events that happened years and years ago.

For example? I remember the exact nightgown I was wearing the day I went home from the hospital after my transplant. I remember the words Rory wrote to me in his very first Christmas card to me. They were so bold and robust in only knowing me for a few months, and he was unapologetic about them; not shy at all in letting me know how he felt. I remember what I ate for dinner the night we found out we were going to be parents and the whole world shifted into a much brighter beam.

This weekend? This weekend I treasure a soft night in Sookie's bedroom; Rory playing 'Landslide' while I wore my favorite little black dress (in preparation of deciding what to pack for an upcoming trip) and danced with Sookie in her fairy pajamas. I recall noticing that there are stripes on the little bow attached to my favorite bra; a tiny aspect that I've missed in the past. Maybe that is over sharing, but oh well.

A shopping trip in which Sookie spotted a complete stranger who had an eerie resemblance to my grandma who is no longer with us. To further give me goosebumps and make my heart ache? She proceeded to literally jump out of my arms towards this woman and she let this woman hold her for a good fifteen minutes. Keep in mind, this is a girl who always wants her Momma. The woman told me Miss S studies people as though she is reading their auras. Who knew such a spiritual, awakening experience was in store for me at Kohl's?

I also remember the specifics of what I considered to be a kick ass Friday night; a delicious Diet Coke from McDonalds (I do not eat their food, but their Diet Coke? For some reason it is pure perfection.), belated Valentine's chocolates I bought as a tiny treat for myself, and 'Days of our Lives'. (Don't ask me why I still watch it.) Saturday night was a few stolen grown up moments to ourselves as we ate dinner in the car while Miss S caught a cat nap in the backseat, the rain quickly morphing to a fierce snow as we talked about the big stuff, the little things (how good Chik-fil-a's honey mustard bbq sauce is on their fries) and remembered everywhere we have been.

Happy Monday!

Happy Facets

We have a few circumstances to stress about these days. But I'm treading water and leaning on people I know I can count on.

And holding close to my heart those facets of life that are oh so happy.

Like...

Making a Valentine for Daddy.

Hugging/trying to talk on the iPhone.

Last night we met up with some of my very favorite people on earth, Derek, Anzana, and Kenyon, for some yummy Thai food. We were going to head to Chipotle to fulfill my Wednesday Wish (ha) but decided it was rainy and a little windy and we didn't want to drive that far. (The nearest Chipotle to us is about 25 minutes away. Tragic, I know.) So, Thai it was! Well, we were there for about 2 minutes when the power went out. My first reaction was to panic and leave. However, it ended up being one of the best dinners ever. We ate by candlelight, joked, laughed and laughed, and Sookie was such a ham for everyone. It was such a huge reminder to me that you have to go with the flow because sometimes the unexpected is much more entertaining and beautiful than the original plan.

The drive home was incredibly scary; the traffic lights were out, the wind was so horrible we could barely see in front of us with the blizzard. I felt so overwhelmingly grateful that we made it home safe and our power was on. The little things are so critical sometimes.

Today was a massive wake up call  I desperately need to find a doctor who knows what they are talking about and will figure out the cause of my hip pain. I broke down and called Rory to come home during the middle of the day because I was struggling, Tylenol and Advil didn't touch the pain and Sookie wouldn't nap. It is not easy for me to ask for help but I'm learning.

Fast forward a nap, a bath with my girl and I remembered the novel idea that I'm capable. I'm capable. Some days I simply need a dash of backup. Oh, and Sookie reminded me not to take anything too seriously when I thought we were having precious momma and baby bonding time in the tub... then she farted on me.

This is one of her newest tricks. She will usually do it with a pillow or a blanket, but sometimes she will just randomly lay down in the midst of playing. It is the cutest. My brain can't wrap around all the tricks she is coming up with lately. And how quickly! It is truly a marvel. I can just see the wheels turning and turning in her sweet little head these days.

She winks! It is basically the greatest thing I've ever witnessed in my life.

Seriously.

Happy Thursday!