messy hair means you're here

there are the cutest little hand prints on our backdoor window, a big mess of receipts in a pile on the floor where little miss decided to dump out the contents of my bag, and on the couch, faint remnants of evidence of a finger painting hummus session she decided to indulge in yesterday.

contrary to all of this, i promise i don't let my child run wild.

it is no secret i struggle keeping up with house cleaning when i am feeling less than stellar. honestly, i have days when it is not a priority because sookie is number one and i often need to rest so i don't fall into a vicious cycle of getting sick because i'm not sleeping enough. we have been oh so busy these past several weeks and i am crashing hard lately from pushing myself too far. this is nothing new, an (almost) accepted part of reality... but difficult to explain when people aren't familiar with what cystinosis can do, and does to a body.

(& this is not a woe is me post, just something i need to document so i stop feeling like a failure in every aspect of my life. because i know i'm not but my inner critic is mean and bitchy when sleep deprived.)

the thing is, i can be much too hard on myself and today was one of those days. i reached my breaking point when i opened a medical bill from an er trip in april. i forget what my body has been through and the fact it has been taxed; much beyond what it was ever supposed to go through. it is a humbling and yet frustrating piece of my puzzle. this is a giant glaring piece of valid information that is somehow so easily lost in my heart when i start aching for normalcy and comparing myself to other women and mothers. little miss s has been exceedingly clingy lately, to the point she wrapped herself around my leg this afternoon while i poured a boiling pot of water into a strainer in the sink. stabs of motherly guilt. thoughts like, why are you even bothering to make pasta when she needs you? yes, silly notions such as that. the truth is i would do anything for her, even give her my only working kidney if she needed it.

everything built up today, the dishes, the laundry, the emails, the grocery list, the errands, the obligations; my patience was nowhere to be found and there was a little being who wanted nothing more than to feel her heart beat close to mine while her arms were firmly enveloped around my neck.

i'm sharing a phone call with frankie in south carolina, who is a second mother to me. her daughter laura has cystinosis as well. we are sharing our enthusiasm for the upcoming family conference in a few weeks. i am going into detail how many things i need to get done, the specific state of my less than spotless house, when she stops me mid-sentence and reminds me what i've been given. she reminds me i'm one of a few. only a few other women have been on the adventure i have been on and of those few, two passed away as a result of having a baby.

as soon as i am able to stop feeling like an ungrateful little brat, i move along and aim my chin toward the sky.

rory is working late so he can accompany us to the aforementioned cystinosis family conference. night time duties are mine and i embrace them with my fresh take courtesy of the obvious wisdom tattooed all over my soul.

she takes a bath filled with splashes. she starts to cry. she points to her towel and whines. she is ready for bed. she brushes her teeth. (she insists on doing it herself; and my college educated brain screams autonomy versus shame and doubt, autonomy verses shame and doubt...which one are you going to foster momma?) i clean out her ears. i sing songs to her while i massage her legs with her lavender scented lotion that promises to calm her for bedtime. (it does, most of the time.) i put her monkey pajamas on; the ones with the cute monkey that says "i'm music to mommy's ears" and the sweet summer shorts that are adorned with yellow hearts. i clutch her close to me and notice i haven't combed her hair since exiting the bath. i ruffle her red curls and tell her "mommy didn't comb your hair, but that is okay; messy hair means you're here."

& i realize it is something i should be telling myself on my days when i feel like i can't get anything right. when i'm torn in a million directions by obligations and duties and all i want is to play dolly is in the cardboard spaceship with my daughter. it is something i must remind myself of every single day. messy hair means you're here. who cares about the imperfections when you get to live out so much of the perfection of doing what they said couldn't be done.

 bear hugging the frog 

(frog and turtle both on clearance at hobby lobby)

that chair? was my great grandmother's

i spruced them up a bit

blog post coming soon

they turned out SO darling

 
do yourself a favor and celebrate what you've done with your gorgeous life.
it feels good.

***************


i'm not going to post this every time, but i'm now on topbabyblogs.com and i would lovelovelove a vote if you would like to show some extra love. you can vote once a day and you simply click this link below, then click again where it says "vote for this blog" as easy as that! i'm going to be real; i would be tickled to get into the top 20. thanks sweet readers! you are all amazing.

What Matters

{Late night thoughts)


What matters is not that the dinner dishes didn't get put in the dishwasher, but that there are 20 minutes of lullabies courtesy of Scout the night time cuddly pup.

{via}

What matters is not that my jeans didn't get hung up to dry and are still in the dryer, thus rendering themselves most likely too little for my French toast for dinner loving belly, but that there is a girl, who is mine, who will tunnel and spin her way into a rhythmic pattern of breathing while safely enveloped in my arms.

{via}

What matters is not that she isn't in her crib, but that we are one big happy co-sleeping family and it works for us. We like it that way. Hell, I like it that way. And so it goes and that's all that matters.

{via}

What matters is not that I should have cleaned the house while Sookie took an unprecedented two and a half hour nap, but that I put myself first and snuggled up in our bed to let the world wash away from my thoughts. I told my body I heard her cries for rest and I obeyed.

 {via}

Here's to a new day  and loving ourselves as much as we should.

Perspective

Today was one of those days where you want, for just one second, to be left alone. Today was one of those days when you have a fussy baby, a frustrating other half, and an obnoxious dog; and no matter how much your love for all of them spills over, you just want to be able to pee without anyone bothering you. True story, ha! Sookie was incredibly grumpy today, I think she is getting teeth; well that and boycotting naps. R wasn't feeling well. It was nearly 100 degrees today and Jack (our dachshund) wanted to go visit the neighbor dog approximately every 2.5 minutes. And of course there were dishes to be done, my resume to be tweaked, laundry to be folded, floors to mop, jobs to apply for, packages to mail, and many other things on the to do list. Earlier this evening, I told R, this is all I ever wanted...so why do I need a break? His response? Even too much ice cream isn't good for you all of the time. Oh, I wise man I have found. Sookie turned 5 months old today and I really do not understand the concept of time any longer. I know I've said this before, but it is so true. It felt like it took so achingly long for her to get here, and now that she is indeed here, time seems to have sped up ten fold. I know we take a ridiculous amount of pictures, but I am extremely grateful for that. I cherish every single moment with her and try to take mental snapshots of this precious time together. Even though today was a challenging day mommyhood wise, I don't ever forget how lucky I am.

It's all about perspective; just when I was hitting my breaking point and beyond frustrated with everything, I stopped and thought about Megan, who was burying her sweet baby boy, Cohen, today. I instantly felt like a terrible human being and held Sookie a little tighter. The thing is, no matter how horrible you think your day is, chances are there is someone out there wishing that they could have those obstacles and aggravations that you are having. It is good for the soul to remember this.