five minute friday: grateful

the lady behind this wonderful idea? the gypsy mama
the rules? five minutes. every friday. write your heart out. no edits. 
 the prompt this week? grateful.

 {image credit}

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grateful?
me?
every day. every hour. every minute. every second.
sure, i fall into the luxury of being stressed with mountains of laundry, toddler messes, a house that is not spotless.
then i have to stop. soak in the sunshine. embrace the brilliance in the air. no one is on a transplant list waiting for an organ. sookie isn't in the hospital. the three of us can walk, have our hearing and our sight. suddenly being overwhelmed with something as silly as dirty clothing seems asinine.

i'm alive. 
& that is a huge victory considering everything i've been through. 

after my lupus scare a few weeks ago, i'm back into waking up every morning ready to live life, even if i am in pain. i feel strongly i must instill this kind of gratitude into sookie's being. yes, the truth is we could have more. she could have a healthy momma. but the beauty of reality is that we already have so much. much much more than i ever could have wished for.

*******

i hope you are able to find something to be grateful for today.
even if you are going through a tough time.
a smile from a stranger.
strawberry ice cream.
the laughter of your child.
clean sheets.
a great, powerful, life changing quote.
a pretty piece of jewelry.
a hug from someone who knows you well.
the scent lingering through the air after summer rain.

the happiest of fridays!

Sweeter Than This

My jeans are damp with english breakfast black tea and remnants of Sookie's bath water from earlier tonight. The girl loves a splash party with her momma. Oh and the tea is because I became too excited while talking and apparently forgot how to swallow. Thus, spitting up tea everywhere. I will have to wash them earlier than I was anticipating but they are physical evidence of a good day. Yep, I drank breakfast tea with dinner because I am rebellious like that. 


A few weeks ago I was basking in things like, sushi and 30 rock, bubble gum shower gel, a subway sandwich balanced with donut holes and almond joy eggs, and bubbles and birds.

Driving around with our dreams in a jar
And it’s all right here

I’ll feed you ramen and you’ll braid my hair
Anything goes when you don’t even care
When you’re this far in love

If it gets any sweeter than this I don’t want to know
I don’t want to know

I want a garden and you want a coke
Living is simple when lovers are broke
You can fix anything with a kiss

{Katie Herzig; Sweeter Than This}

 Can you see the sneaky little guy hiding in the tree?

There were also Saturday morning dance parties, slurpees and the park despite threatening rain clouds.

 She had a strange fascination with this pole. Rory jokingly confessed he had failed as a father already.

Mmm slurpee drool.



Snowy Sunday afternoons, The Golden Girls, and a 14 month birthday cookie with gooey green icing.

 This is blurry but I love it.

This morning the little things that make life sweet? Random pieces of edible Easter grass dancing haphazardly  on the floor, plastic eggs spinning in delight, new swimsuits and sunglasses anxiously awaiting summer almost as much as I am, washing new clothes; reveling in the fact that when I am focused on being a mom and I let the rest of the world wash away, those are the best days. Today was the bold reminder of the strong and shining women I have in my life. Today was a wonderful last minute lunch date with this giving, loving, happy, gorgeous gal I am so lucky to have in my family.

Today was writing songs at bath time; I washed Sookie while Rory played guitar. Previous to this she softly blew on her spoonful of soup and I think I died of cuteness overdose. I adore going out but I also am intensely fulfilled during our nights of the team that this family makes, our simple yet magical routine of dinner, bath time, music, pajamas, bed.

Today was a welcome day of slowing things down after the go-go-go of the weekend. Today I was grateful to settle back into my momma role, after having to rely on Rory and my mom too much since Wednesday's chest pains. I pride myself on taking care of Sookie; it breaks my heart when I have to ask for help. 

Today was slow, soft, calm, peaceful.

Feet

The other night, Sookie slept in her crib for 8 hours. Eight hours straight. This is revolutionary for her. I woke up every hour to make sure she was still breathing. I still have tremendous anxiety over SIDS. I realize she is going to be a year in a week, but still. I missed her. Silly, I see but oh I missed her. I still don't quite truly believe I deserve her. I know that I do but I feel like sometimes this is all a joke and she's going to be taken away from us. It is an ugly place to venture to in my head and that is why I have to quickly exit it and make sure the door is shut tight.

And then I go to Target in Utah County and let myself get incredibly angry with people who aren't grateful for their children.

I want to wave a magic wand over the world so people can be grateful for what they do have. But then I feel like a hypocrite because it is a trait I still need to work on in myself. The whole idea of I once cried because I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no feet. For me it is, a year ago I wanted nothing more than to survive labor and delivery to meet our sweet daughter and now I'm having a hard time keeping my chin up because all that came true, PLUS she's healthy but I continue down my path of a chronic disease. Just typing that makes me want to smack myself upside the head.

I missed a few days here because when I don't feel well, it has become quite the journey for me to focus on the good. I don't want this blog to become a place where I whine about being in pain and not receiving answers from doctors. (Just a little note: yes I've been told about the gallstones, but no one I have seen can figure out my hip pain and this past week it has been debilitating.) Although it would feel freeing to have that outlet. Medical battles are rough. All of them. They are further complicated when you are a Momma. Then it becomes really interesting when you have health issues, are a Momma blazing new trails, and can't find doctors who will educate themselves about your disease.

But I don't want to focus on that. I have many family members who have their own medical concerns right now. It is emotionally draining, mentally taxing, sometimes you just want to wash away. I want this blog to be where my focus is light, joy, gratitude, simplicity, hope, love, peace.

I read things on twitter and facebook, people are having a bad day, complaining, which of course I am as guilty of doing as everyone else. But sometimes I want to ask if they have lost a loved one today, or if they are on a transplant list waiting for a kidney. If you think about life that way, chances are you will have many more good days. Sometimes I have to ask myself those two questions too.

Giving Thanks

Thanksgiving had new meaning this year.

And it wasn't because of my Dad's brilliant stuffing with cranberries and pine nuts, or the entertaining quotes that spilled from my sweet 5 year old cousin's mouth throughout the afternoon and evening.

The biggest reason it had new meaning is that there was a new person involved in the prep for the big meal. Well, not really involved exactly but happily growling at her toys who just happened to be the little people lions, camels and birds. Yes, she growls at the birds too. All while the mashed potatoes, turkey, yams, rolls, and stuffing were coming together.

I'm thankful for the the fact Sookie arrived safely. I'm thankful for the fact my transplanted kidney survived labor. I'm thankful for the fact I survived labor. I'm thankful for the entire team of Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialists at IMC who put up with me as a patient; because we all know I am a nightmare patient, questioning everyone and everything. I'm thankful for the support of family who truly gets it. I'm thankful for my parents unwavering ability to remain my rocks day in and day out. I'm thankful for Rory, who gives me all the love in the world (and then some) but never encourages me to be sad or angry.

I'm thankful for a million other things too.


I have been a grateful girl throughout this entire year, there is no doubt about that. Each day I wake up and soak in all that is here and real. I wish that everyone would let the overwhelming gratitude of Thanksgiving Day carry on throughout the rest of the year. Wouldn't the world be a much more beautiful place if that happened?
 

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them"     (JFK)

I saw this quote on Twitter and had to retweet it immediately. It is one thing to rattle off a list of things you are thankful for at the dinner table on a Thursday in November, but it is something entirely different to wake up each day and find those nuggets of hope and sheer bliss up against the day to day frustrations like the weather, a flat tire, a red light, a bad hair day, or someone unintentionally hurting your feelings. Being a grateful person each day does take work, I am still learning that myself.

This girl? Well, she had her first fall, complete with blood all over in her mouth; cue Mama having a freak out. (We are both fine now.) But, before that? Before that she was happy as can be with her cheerios and her bow covered in sequins.

It doesn't take much to make her happy.

And I love that about her.

Perspective

Today was one of those days where you want, for just one second, to be left alone. Today was one of those days when you have a fussy baby, a frustrating other half, and an obnoxious dog; and no matter how much your love for all of them spills over, you just want to be able to pee without anyone bothering you. True story, ha! Sookie was incredibly grumpy today, I think she is getting teeth; well that and boycotting naps. R wasn't feeling well. It was nearly 100 degrees today and Jack (our dachshund) wanted to go visit the neighbor dog approximately every 2.5 minutes. And of course there were dishes to be done, my resume to be tweaked, laundry to be folded, floors to mop, jobs to apply for, packages to mail, and many other things on the to do list. Earlier this evening, I told R, this is all I ever wanted...so why do I need a break? His response? Even too much ice cream isn't good for you all of the time. Oh, I wise man I have found. Sookie turned 5 months old today and I really do not understand the concept of time any longer. I know I've said this before, but it is so true. It felt like it took so achingly long for her to get here, and now that she is indeed here, time seems to have sped up ten fold. I know we take a ridiculous amount of pictures, but I am extremely grateful for that. I cherish every single moment with her and try to take mental snapshots of this precious time together. Even though today was a challenging day mommyhood wise, I don't ever forget how lucky I am.

It's all about perspective; just when I was hitting my breaking point and beyond frustrated with everything, I stopped and thought about Megan, who was burying her sweet baby boy, Cohen, today. I instantly felt like a terrible human being and held Sookie a little tighter. The thing is, no matter how horrible you think your day is, chances are there is someone out there wishing that they could have those obstacles and aggravations that you are having. It is good for the soul to remember this.