18 January 2013

because inspiration doesn't favor those who sit still

"let's go places, not just the ones you can find on a map, but the ones you can find in your heart. because inspiration doesn't favor those who sit still, it dances with the daring & rewards the courageous with ideas. ideas that inspire, ideas that take you places you never imagined, ideas big enough to make the heart skip a beat and, in some cases...maybe two."

i heard this on a toyota commercial last week. it hit me with much more force that an automobile advertisement should have. sookie was asleep early in the evening and rory and i were embracing some much needed down time, watching the golden girls of all things! it was beautiful, and simple. a piece of life i wanted to grasp and hold onto. (no, i am not an emotional or sensitive person at all. wink.)

i had my cholecystectomy (gallbladder removal) a week ago. it was a day and a decision i've gone over and over and over and over in faith and in my heart and in odds and benefits versus risks. these days i prefer to tackle health obstacles with natural methods before i revert to strictly medical solutions. this one reached the point i felt i needed to go with surgery. for over two years i threw apple cider vinegar, cleanses, and numerous herbs at this beast and simply couldn't catch relief. there were hold ups; how would my body react without a gallbladder? would my transplanted kidney be unaffected by the surgery? (the location of it, in the front of my abdomen, was a little bit of an issue) would they be able to perform it laparoscopically? what if this didn't fix all the pain? (because my symptoms and issues weren't textbook, the surgeon could only say he was 60ish percent sure it would alleviate the pain i was experiencing.) how would i handle the anesthesia this time? (why, yes, i over analyze everything. ;)

after coming out of surgery, when i saw the size of the stone, a thousand pounds of anxiety were lifted off my shoulders.

yes, that thing was in me. for two years. yowza. i named him gerald. (not butler.) i have become well acquainted with him over numerous ultrasounds over the years, but to see it in real life...wow! people have said it looks like a corn nut. i promise you, it is not. it almost looks spiky. so weird, right?! one of the factors that kept me teetering on the edge of indecision was that my gallbladder was never inflamed or infected. i feel miles beyond lucky i was able to have the same surgeon perform the surgery who performed my kidney transplant 18 years ago! talk about divine intervention. 

in true rory and tahnie fashion, we have a million other things going on right now too. i remind myself we are awesome and lucky that way. i don't want to complain about that, nor do i want to glorify it (jenna from the life of the wife is focusing on this phrase and it has inspired me like whoa...) and maybe this is me trying to simply reconcile that there is chaos everywhere right now (good, good, amazingly, yummy chaos of the best kind, but chaos nonetheless) and i'm learning (oh boy, am i ever) to ask for help and even more so, that reaching out is so important. the older i get, the more i am open to others' offerings of help and outpourings of love. i like to push myself beyond what i think i am capable of, but at the same time i pull back when i need to do so. surgery and recuperating emphasizes all of this tenfold. i've been having a lot of rib pain and i'm super sensitive to any pain meds, so they all make me sick. sook has been having lots of sleepovers at glamma and poppa's and at the same time i crave time with her like i need air to breathe. she has been such a trooper with all of this change and asks to see my owwies multiple times a day. she is having a hard time grasping why i can't pick her up (which literally hurts my heart, but only 7 more days and i will scoop her up a million times to make up for it!) and why she can't be rough

i'm embracing the stillness when it comes and pushing myself a little beyond what is comfortable for a few hours at a time because i think it will ultimately lead to faster healing, physically and emotionally. i've loved being reminded how sweet little favorites can be when savored to the last drop and second; organic granny smith apples with ample amounts of salt sprinkled on top, alice hoffman, dozing off while wrapped up in the simple and comforting softness of a cascading cream colored sweater coat. the good simple stuff that is timeless. my stomach is now more than ever, a map of scars detailing my journey and permanent evidence of those hard fought victories.

okay, i just realized what a hypocritical entry this might seem like, the title and then rambling about how i'm finding peace in being still. i'm rambling. it has been a long few months. maybe it will make sense to someone else out there. but i think a big lesson i've learned this last year is that life never really does make sense. ha. ;)

04 January 2013

one little word 2013

well, hello there.
i've missed this space.
let's jump right back in, shall we?

with the exploding popularity of it, i'm sure you have heard of the ali edwards one little word challenge.
i'm in love with this fresh take on new year's resolutions and how focusing on a single tiny word can take you to the most beautiful of places throughout this next year.

my word for 2013?
my one little word that i want to hold close this year and aim for in every moment?


most of all, i want to connect with each moment i am given, to the point every inch of myself is absorbed in what is happening right in front of me. if the minute is good or bad, to be in it  and learn from it. whether i am playing roaring dinosaurs with a redheaded spitfire, doing laundry of pinks and purples and sparkles, or at the hospital on the way to yet another doctor appointment, modeling choosing to find fun by jumping in the elevator with my hand strongly clasped to my girl's.

to connect with my wondrous body who has been through so much in its existence of 29 years. to be at peace with the deterioration of it, but to celebrate everything it can still do and embrace the fact many things could be a lot worse at this point in my cystinosis journey. to feel that magic of connection with nature every chance i get, to be one with the lady bugs and blades of grass and the mountains and the sky. (hello hippie moment, yay for connecting with my crunch side!) connect with music in a way that refreshes my soul and sparks me into brand new places. go beyond my comfort zone to find common ground with strangers and click on a piece of the puzzle as small as a shared smile in the midst of this chaotic life or on the other end of the spectrum, something as grand as a new lifelong friendship because i chose to be open to it.

to connect with my little family within meaningful moments, there was definitely a lot of that in 2012 and i do pride myself in making a conscious effort of that. i'll be greedy this year and strive toward more of that. you can bet i want to make the most of what we have, while we have it. connection can be scary; when you put yourself out there and share little bits of your life, whether it be in in person in real time with new friends, or over social media through your words that can easily be misinterpreted as a result of many factors. truly connecting requires vulnerability and an authentic, naked heart is a huge risk. one that you have to own, in all of it's messy beauty.

to ask myself every day, how can i seek out connection today? spark that desire to motivate and fuel the fire of discovering, learning, and at the utmost, growing.

do you have one little word for 2013? i would love to hear about it, what it means to you, your goals, your choices and your life!