winds of change

these days the wind is quietly shuffling out summer and her hot rays, and in the same breeze, eagerly pushing in a softer warmth which is tinged with a crisp change. i am no longer momma, i have now become mommy. this little difference is an earthquake in my world, leaving ripples of aftershocks in her wake. her voice emphasizes the eee at the end and i shiver with delight each time it reaches my ears. i can't put my finger on why she has suddenly switched my title, because rory doesn't refer to me as mommy and i don't use it to refer to myself, but i welcome it. the same way i welcome the fact she is morphing into my little friend, as opposed to this little being i am responsible for. this little friend who conspires with me how to build the best fort possible, when we should be picking up and getting dinner ready. this little friend who i enjoy a frozen yogurt with on a sunny september afternoon. this little friend who makes me belly laugh and approach everything with the fascination of a toddler.

there are, in fact, advantages to being an extremely petite 4'11" momma; i am the only one at the park climbing on the play structures with my girl, counting down our descent from the top of the slides, holding her tight as we twist down the slippery slopes, her laughter exploding into the air promptly upon our arrival at the bottom.

i want to be the mommy that lets her jump on the bed, eat ice cream for breakfast, and teaches her how to feed her soul and see it grow to the breadth of its capacity, value her self worth over a boy's opinion, and knows how to stand up for herself in a way that is bold, and yet with rounded blurry edges that fade into kindness. you can be nice and at the same time not take anyone's bull; it is a fine, intricate, delicate balance.

i want to be the mommy that is there; every moment of every day, in every week of every month. the mommy that is present in each crack of a moment when you recognize it and poof...it starts to slip away.

the other night she was carrying around a photo from our trip to san francisco; she had scribbled on the backside of it with pen. for half a second i was ready to be frustrated over the fact she had ruined it. but she had this deep pride in her eyes when she held it up to my face, she was showing off her masterpiece, and she was utterly elated to be doing so. how could i be upset over that? i can print another photo any day, however i cannot recreate a moment so vital to her budding confidence.

she is saying more, owwie, and moon these days. my favorite thing right now is when she says something and i figure out what it is. she grins like the cheshire cat; message received. she gets so excited, her entire body shows her glee. communicating with her in this way is a new ballgame; one i am  pumped to be a part of. is there anything better watching the little being you helped create, learning every day, yet completely extraordinary skills?

lately in the mornings when we wake up, i watch her smooth movements, her toddler body doing things that seem so mature, her eyes sparkling with possibility, her teeth set into a grin, ready for the adventures of a new day. i stare at her and wonder how someone so perfect could have come from a body such as mine, where so much is wrong.

it is really quite incredible.
still.

What Motherhood Has Done For Me

I loved yesterday, we didn't have to do any spectacular or grand to make it special, but honestly it is the every day moments that hold so much weight in my heart; a fabulous bubble bath with my girl, a chick flick with my momma, the scent of fresh flowers, a pink Beatles coffee cup with the reminder All you need is love. I am lucky that Rory is so crazy supportive, and that I am endlessly inspired by Sookie to the point that every day feels like Mother's Day. The monumental thoughts keep coming at me every day and I realize again and again each morning the scope of what her life can be and everything that it will be. She is attracted to happiness and light much like her Daddy and that in and of itself is my reminder to let the mommy guilt evaporate in the air when it becomes too heavy for me to take.

Motherhood has not only expanded my world, but changed how I see everything. I am more aware of my own actions; when you have someone watching every move you make and when there is a little being so intricately connected to your own feelings, you are much more meticulous about how you let (or don't let) others' actions affect your attitude and your aura.

Motherhood is not a sacrifice, it is a privilege. Yes, it might be the hardest thing you will ever do, and our work is never ending but we are so unbelievably lucky to get to raise the little souls who were matched to ours in some way or another; biological or by fate.

To Sookie on my 2nd Mother's Day: You make every day brighter, make me want to build your childhood with magic, compassion, and tiny slivers of reality mixed in simply to keep you on your toes; because of you I can dream bigger and better...and I do.

Some Days Rock & Some Days Roll

Some days rock
and some days roll
 
Some days everything is cool
but some days I can't get it together

{Dixie Chicks; Thin Line}


Some days I feel seventeen again; I'm listening to the Dixie Chicks, Tori Amos, Ani Difranco and wanting to cut inches and inches of my hair and put pink streaks in it. Maybe I'm going through a much delayed rebellious phase. Maybe Little Miss S inspires me to be silly and live like I don't care what people think.


Lately, I simply cannot get enough of these pig tails.

I know it is extremely goofy, but these pigtails are a symbol of a lot of struggles for me. I look at her sporting them with such merriment and I can't help but feel like they are a badge, a ribbon to showcase the possibility of everything.

(See? Further proof I'm regressing to my teenage years; I'm finding deep meaning and introspection in something as normal as pigtails.)

I love those chubby little hands, that bow, wisps of her hair.

This was literally seconds after she took 5 steps at the park. Her first 5 steps. We were just chilling with our Sonic happy hour real fruit slushes and she was doing her usual slither up the hill. Glamma said, "Why don't you just get up and walk?" And you know what? She did just that. She stood up. She took a step. Then about four more. We laughed, we cried. I know the uphill gravity gave her the missing piece of confidence she was missing. It is pure elation watching a piece of yourself walking on her own back toward you with such exploding euphoria.

We've been doing a lot of impromptu trips to the park lately. I love this. I get giddy just watching her take in the activity and buzz around us. She eyes the older kids with such jealousy and I tell her it will be okay, she will be big soon enough.

R was out of town this weekend and I kicked it with my girl. I confess, the three year old in me wanted to throw a temper tantrum about being miles past exhausted and needing "me" time that allowed the luxury to check back in with those pieces of myself that aren't mommy; but instead I put on my big girl mommy pants and we basked in the beauty of Katie Herzig's Apple Tree album, delectable frozen yogurt from Red Mango, swinging at Glamma and Poppa's, and the ever intoxicatingly simple pleasure that is sidewalk chalk.

I love this. I can see her little thought bubbles in her head saying, "I got this momma, really I do."

We ended our Saturday with Annie's Organic Mac and Cheese and a fabulous big girl bath for her. Because a pink bowl of bunnies swimming in cheese is the perfect way to celebrate a Saturday night. (& yes, that is the adult in me talking.) I was in such a good mood I might or I might not have slipped some to Jack in his dog dish. The pup loves his pasta.

I hope you all had a weekend filled with simple joys.

Self-Portrait

I took a bunch of photos today for Ashley's self-portrait link party. These are the only two I liked enough to post. But the fact that I'm okay with two is a good step, right?

This is ME. A stressed out Momma who is worried about her own health, wondering constantly if she is doing enough for her funny girl, always second guessing her parenting choices (even after four years of child development classes), smiling, finding the sugar filled minutes, catching the magic in motherhood even through the leaky diapers, sleepless nights, and S's new found fascination with the toilet.

Yes, this is me. Attempting to make the most of what I do know, cherishing kisses and hugs from our girl, and being silly every now and then. Mommyhood is not for the faint of heart, but oh how sweet it is. How very sweet.