06 November 2010

Right In Time

As I sat rocking Sookie to sleep earlier tonight, my battered body now three pounds lighter (but feels like ten) from this week's awful sickness, I thought about how even up against all the challenges that I am facing right now, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, surrounded by the exact people I need in my life.

It is a funny thing, well two funny things really, gratitude and shock. I will be the first to admit there are days when I get lost in the normalcy of how truly overwhelming it is to be a mother and then mentally smack myself upside the head for not being anything but thankful to be experiencing this. All of this.

There are some who might be over hearing me talk about this, but really that is fine. I'm the one who is living it and I think the more I write about it, truly wrap my head around it, and of course live it, maybe the more it will truly sink in; all the way down into my capillaries.

Yes there are moments, sparks of time I have to remind myself that this little life? Well I built it all for myself, dreamed it up one day long ago and now it has come to fruition. Of course many of the details I badger myself about and tell myself they need to be different, but those are my lovely little insecurities poking their pretty little heads into the picture just to make sure I don't get too pleased or comfortable with how things are turning out. And this little being I spend my days, nights, mornings, lunches, bed times, nap times, grumpy times, joyous times with? She's mine. It sounds absurd I realize but I have to remind myself she's mine. R and I make the big decisions that shape her life. I'm responsible for teaching her how to treat herself, how to love, how to create her own path and how to find her way.