our love is

I say...

Love is: throwing all caution to the wind & going on a date after an awful breakup. Love is: Starbucks, mountains in the distance & the thrilling goosebumps of meeting someone who will change your life forever. Love is: fun, mischief, butterflies, & only weeks after meeting, a man who boldly tells me "our love story will be the greatest ever told!" Love is: falling for a girl with a crazy fatal illness and loving her through the years with reckless abandon. Love is: going to every single doctor appointment & being an absolute rock despite the fact you are petrified of losing your girl and your unborn daughter. Love is: strings of "I love yous" in a labor and delivery room in the face of the crippling pain and blissful magic of childbirth. Love is: teaching this girl how to truly LIVE and dance to the mantra of "may the best of your todays be the worst of your tomorrows." ♥

He says...


Love is being yourself in front of the one you love, to be truly transparent. Love is being able to fart (we all do). Love is spending every last dime to experience life and enjoy it why we have it. Love is seeing beyond outer layers and truly caring what's inside. Love is pretending to like frozen pizza for the first 4 months. Love is the only thing you can give that won't take. Love is free and abundant. Love is having a migraine and letting someone release tension by beating the hell out of some drums. Love is for the moments of now and knowing but not worries about the trials that tomorrow will bring.

five

on friday, it was five years ago i fell down the rabbit hole of love with roar.

i'm so glad i did.

look at this girl, these hearts, this family.

love times three.

our sweet and oh so fabulous neighbor, afton, took these gorgeous photos.

thirty two

my sweet guy turned thirty two on june 9th. he makes me feel young (wink). as a part of his birthday i did a little collage on the wall of 32 things i love about him.

1. Your enthusiasm for your business. (Appdicted)
2. The way you treated me when we first started dating
3. Your killer cleaning skills
4. Your dedication to your work
5. The way you support and love everyone in your life
6. The fact you make no apologies for who you are
7. The drive you have to constantly be better
8. The pride you take in our little family
9. This life we have built together out of one email that started on match(dot)com
10. How excited you are for me to write my memoir
11. Your love of yard sales
12. Your intense adoration for seven for all mankind jeans
13. The way you were my rock throughout the scariest time in my life, even though you were petrified too
14. Your support of my crazy dreams
15. When you put work on hold when I need support at a doctor appointment
16. The fact you didn't pay for my coffee on our first date
17. You make leaving love notes fun
18. Your love of survival shows
19. Your courage when you took a job in NYC even though it was a big challenge
20. The fact you can almost out shop me
21. The way you love our daughter
22. The fact you thought labor was going to be exactly like it is portrayed on T.V.
23. How we can be having a conversation at night and three seconds later, you are snoring
24. Your over the moon love of coffee
25. The thrill you get when you find a good deal
26. Your heart
27. Your patience
28. Your obsession with Joe Rogan's pod casts
29. The fact you walked away from a nice paycheck so that you could be a daily part of our daughter's life. Time truly is priceless
30. How much you love 'The King of Queens'
31. The fact you took an idea, crafted a dream, & started your own company doing something you LOVE
32. The way your eyes locked into mine the moment our miracle entered this amazing world

------------------------------

the post it notes are still up on the wall because he doesn't want to take them down. they make my heart flutter when i glance at them. ♥

Pockets of Joy

My pockets of joy lately?

I watched The Royal Wedding.
Live.

Why?
My hips felt like they were on fire. (Yes, still, no relief in site. It makes me feel...well yeah. Let's not go there.) I couldn't sleep comfortably. I had my own little princess sleeping soundly in her bed and I want her to grow up remembering to celebrate things instead of criticizing or complaining about them. I don't necessarily want her childhood to be a cascade of ridiculous notions about a prince coming to save her, I would like to instill the knowledge she is strong enough to save herself. I know these words and my actions might not make sense, but they do a perfect dance in my own nonsensical head.

Feeling inspired by the snow on Saturday morning instead of whining about it. Letting the delicious veggie omelet I threw together with mushrooms and tomatoes further fuel my gratefulness for snow in April. Hey, there are worse things in the world. Our day was filled with tiny nuggets of bliss, a quiet house, a napping babe, relishing in every last word of 'Real Simple' magazine while R did some work for Appdicted.

Sookie deciding to take 4 1/2 hours worth of naps on Saturday was revolutionary. This is a day that should be marked down in history. This is the same little one who has had such a hard time with naps for so long. She's getting into a new phase and the fact I'm reveling in it and sharing on the blog will probably mean she will be back to one twenty minute nap next week.

Our little family date of going to the pet store, dinner at Rumbi, and a trip to Target. She is quite the little wiggle worm lately and oh boy I was glad for R's help at Target. I found a cutesy polka dot shirt for $7. Score. Shallow? Yes. Very much so. But score nonetheless.

This laugh:



We call it her George Bush laugh. I think it is the greatest.

Yes, I have way too many shampoo and conditioner bottles in my shower. It is a problem. We will talk about it in a later post. Of course it has nothing to do with the fact I like to be in control and have a million different choices available to me at any given moment. ;)

These are the microscopic things and sometimes the not so microscopic things I cling to when the earth seems too harsh for my spirit.

Sookie wishes you a happy Monday...
& also, peace, love, & camo.
(according to her hat)
(I'm not a fan of pink camo, but Poppa bought it and he was so overcome with such a child-like high to give it to her, I simply had to oblige.)

Love Is The Only Soldier

I feel like we've been celebrating Valentine's Day, and love, all year long. Ever since Miss S graced us with her landmark existence.

I like that.

I like that I can get excited for Valentine's Day, but I feel we've done a good job of loving no matter what day it is. That is a lesson I ache to instill in Sookie.

R took a three day weekend and it has been filled with such elation, I have had to stop and try to catch it all in an imaginary jar to keep tucked away for the rough days. Sounds of R's guitar wafting through the air as I hold Miss S close and get lost in the music, letting our bodies sway however they need. Alabama, Arkansas I do Love my Ma and Pa, not the way that I do love you sung in unison as we add a new song to our nightly concert repertoire, Sookie is laugh laugh laughing because she has figured out how to undo the velcro on her new cloth diapers and I keep telling her not to do it. A simple afternoon spent watching Miss S play in her room, along with R and my dad; her giggles so infectious, they infiltrate our moods and before we know it, all four of us are chuckling hysterically over nothing.

Today I was content with simple things. A lunch with my love while Miss S played happily at my parent's house. Those little mint chocolates they give you at Olive Garden. Blue skies. Loud music. Root beer. Soft reminders of how much we have grown as a couple during our 5th Valentine's together.

Snippets from one of my favorite love songs: Love Is The Only Soldier by Jann Arden


Love is a man in a coat in the rain
Love’s every little mistake that he’s made
Love is the moment he has to embrace
Love is the only mercy left

Hide me inside your heart let me wash away
Hold me beneath your body all night and day
I pray that the morning comes and with me you’ll stay
Oh hide me inside your heart let me wash away

Love is a song that I sang when I’m sad
Love’s what I give to the world when I’m glad
Love’s every friendship that I’ve ever had
Love is the only soldier left

Oh hide me inside your heart let me wash away

Happy Love Day to you. I hope it was so sweet it gave you a toothache.

November 2010 Goals Revisted/December Goals

(My fabulous friend Clare is the inspiration behind these goals of the month posts.) 

My November goals:

My November Goal is...to be happy. Yep that's it. I'm not stressing about pleasing everyone for Thanksgiving, I'm not obsessing about how clean my house is, or how much laundry I have to get done. I'm stealing smiles from my little girl. I'm not going to worry about my health. I'm just going to be happy, dang it!

I feel as though I'm doing a little better with this. That or I failed miserable at all of the above. One of the two. Of course I'm not always going to be carefree every minute of every day and completely forget about mundane things like laundry, and I think I'm always going to worry about my health, but that is life. Clare talked about this on her blog a little while ago and I realized if I was living my life as my perfect self, I would need 70 plus hours in a day. Not going to happen. I've come to the conclusion I always seem to struggle with balance. This has been a theme in my life ever since I can remember, why should it stop now that I've become a mother? I have this little theory that motherhood tends to magnify, intensify, and play on every personal issue and insecurity you had before you became a mom. I always want to be doing better, more, and quicker; but all with a smile on my face, love in my heart, and energy bursting from my veins.

  

{Image} 

My December goals I realize need to be more tangible, measurable.  However, can I simply say peace.joy.love and be done with it?

Okay, I won't.

December goals:

Be a duck.

This is R's wisdom and my Dad's as well. There are both very zen individuals and honestly I need to start living life like both of them. The idea is to be a duck, and let everything people say just roll off my back so to speak. This is a grand idea in theory, but I'm an incredibly sensitive person and situations are complicated more by the details of exactly who is saying what about me. But really it should not matter. I have enough to worry about.

Re-read 'The Four Agreements'.

This book has some revolutionary ideas and is an eye opener, yet I find it difficult to truly practice it and live it out on a day to day basis. Goes back to the 'Be a duck' goal, that directly related to the agreement of 'Don't take everything personally', which I always do. The other three agreements are, 'Be Impeccable with Your Word', 'Don't Make Assumptions', and 'Always Do Your Best'. (Note to self: write an entire post dedicated to this book.) 

Donate clothes I don't wear anymore.

This is a big one. I like clothes. I like clothes a lot. I tire of them very quickly, but I tend to hang on to items I haven't worn in years simply because of the memories attached to them. I must convince myself the memories don't go away if the clothes are gone. Brilliant.

Peace.Joy.Love.

Yes, practice these three every day. In abundant quantities. Don't get caught up in the stress of the holidays. Focus on the fun, the good, the hope. Celebrate how much better Christmas is going to be this year, than it was last year. (Last year, three days before Christmas, after a scheduled non-stress test and an unscheduled ultrasound, they told us Sookie's left ventricle in her heart was measuring small.) I was devastated and had many ups and downs on Christmas.

4 years

{A letter to my love}

If 4 years ago, some crazy fortune teller lady with purple hair (yes, of course she would have purple hair) had come up to me and told me where we would be today, I would have laughed and laughed and then probably laughed some more. If she would have said I would be spending my days raising our daughter and you would be working your little creative heart out developing iPhone apps for Appdicted, I would probably have asked her, "and what alternate universe is this?" Four years ago all that is a reality now seemed so far away, but I caught a glimpse of just how possible it all actually was. And that is probably why I was so scared to make that leap of faith with you.

{This photo quality is lacking, but I adore this one. It was our first Christmas together in 2006}

I still remember the sweet words you wrote in the first Christmas card you ever gave me, just 3 short months after we first met. I knew then that I was going to spend forever with you. We have been through so many lifetimes worth of struggles in the past 4 years, that it is a whirlwind to think about and attempt to process it all.

We have learned so much from each other over these past 4 years and I am grateful for every embrace, lesson, every fight, every good day, every single day, even the bad ones because it was the path that was leading us to where we are now. Our little family that I have always wanted, since the days of playing with my cabbage patch dolls, and yet never thought would come to fruition. 

You stuck with me through the last tough semesters when I was nearly ready to give up on my degree and college education. I don't know how we managed through the stress of all of this in our tiny one bedroom apartment. I also don't know why you chose to purchase Rockband right around the time of my very last finals. ;)

{We look like kids! May 2008}

  

We have done a lot of tailgating in the past 4 years and have been to many Utes football games.

We've been on lots of fun trips over the past 4 years; New York multiple times, San Antonio, Vegas, Jackson Hole.

It seems like yesterday I was worrying about the very real truth that we would never have biological children. I remember one night when we were driving to my parents, I told you how much it made my heart ache that my parents would never have grandchildren with their genes.

And look at us now. I know pregnancy is hard on a couple, even when everything is "normal" and things turn out wonderfully in the end. I was such a ball of stress and so worried, and yet even up against our very real concerns and logical fears, you always had optimism; even on the darkest days.

I know this summer has been a major adjustment for both of us, but I also know we are doing a wonderful job and our daughter is full of joy and she knows with every ounce of her being how much she is loved.

Thank you for not paying for my Starbucks the first time we met. Thank you for owning 'Tremors'. Thank you for apogee M&M's. Thank you for strawberry margaritas in a restaurant in Texas where Christmas exploded and understanding the importance of purchasing "The Deathly Hallows" exactly at midnight. Thank you for ALF marathons and a second date that lasted a long time. Thank you for your contagious optimism. Thank you for loving to shop as much as I do, and yet loving football as well.

& thank you for making a miracle with me.