Appreciation

I had many grand plans for this summer; my first summer as a mommy. It feels so crazy to say/type that! My first summer as a mommy... Some of these plans I have been able to see through, but it has been a little bit of a struggle along the way. Don't get me wrong, I know how lucky we are to have our girl here with us and that I have been blessed with staying home with her for these 7 months. It is incredible to me that everything has happened the way it has and that she is healthy. I am so grateful for her health. It is okay if I have my own to deal with because that is something I should be used to after 26 years of it, but I am just beyond in awe that she is doing so well. But it is hard enough to be a mom and even more so when you are taking care of yourself and trying to make sure your health is steady.

I've been in pain a lot of this summer. I'm still not entirely convinced that gallstones are the only culprit. I'm seeing some different doctors and asking for lots of opinions on this one. I have learned over the years that sometimes you have to ask a million questions and do most of the work yourself when it comes to health care. It has been frustrating and I was getting really sad about the whole situation, when it hit me that I am being really self righteous.

So soon after being handed the biggest miracle of my life, I'm expecting everything to go my way still, for my body to magically be a different one, for my health to all of a sudden be perfect at the snap of my fingers. Well it doesn't work that way and this morning it was like an invisible smack upside the head for me to calm down and take a deep breath. Yes, this summer has been tough in some aspects, but it has been exquisitely wonderful as well to watch my little girl learn to sit up by herself, to crawl, to discover the joys of food, to realize her toes are indeed her own. Yes, I'm eager to find out what is going on with me and find a solution, but I can't expect everything else to be perfect just because we received our miracle.

I'm somewhat ashamed for turning into such a greedy person. It is a strange phenomenon though; once you see and experience what you only ever thought was impossible, you start to dream big, really big and it is difficult to hold yourself back and stay in touch with reality. Your mind and heart start scheming together and wonder what else you could accomplish when given the opportunity. I need to go back to simply being in crazy love and filled with gratitude for the ultimate gift from my body. To remember every day what a marathon every minute of the pregnancy was and that it is going to take some time for me to recover physically. I can't do everything on my to do list every day, my house won't be spotless, but my baby will be happy and most days I might need to take a nap instead of putting laundry away, making bottles, or doing dishes. Even if it is worst case scenario and all down hill from here health wise, my body has been through so much and yet still somehow found the strength to not only create, but sustain another human.

And that is just priceless.



3 comments :

  1. Greedy is the wrong word to describe you. You're amazing.

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  2. agreed with clare. i think it actually takes a very wise and multi-talented mother to realize that they have to take care of themselves at the same time that they are so invested in taking care of their child every day, every minute. i can only imagine the stress! and i'm sorry you're in so much pain. but am still so happy for your joy. loved reading this entry. <3

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