little daybreaker

the day is new and so am i. it is even better than a new year, it is a fresh bright new twenty four hours. endless possibilities, boundless hope. the novelty of this notion will never lose it's power over me. and i love that.

i watch in sheer wonder as her eyebrows arch, her lashes sweep, her nose, simply exists, so perfect in the morning light. her hair flutters from the breeze coming from the fan. she scrunches a tight fist to rub a tired birthday eye. i eat it all up. if you ask me, it is better than cake.

even better? i didn't throw up from meds this morning! hallelujah!

this afternoon is momma time to strut and sway to a weird, but fabulous mix of ryan adams, aerosmith, miranda lambert, and kings of leon. there is always laundry to do and things to pick up and 10 more doses of eyedrops to get in before the day is done, but in this moment it is my time to play and lose myself in the melodies. taking a breather from to dos and must dos and oh i'm so happy i get to dos (as in putting together a massive giveaway post for tomorrow to raise funds for cystinosis research).

it is another big week for us around here. there is so much to be happy about!

sneak peek from sookie's party at dear lizzie.

another piece of joy to kick off this gorgeous week? a happy girl was picked as "blog of the week" over at gentri lee's (!!!!) i am speechless with gratitude and unbelievably honored! i'm sharing a guest post over at gentri lee's today as well, so please check that out! it just might spark some inspiration for you. i hope it does! :)






wishing you a happy monday!
make it happen.
xo.
tahnie

two years ago.

this photo is from two years ago. i saw this car on the freeway one day when i was on bedrest and we were on our way to the hospital for my twice weekly non-stress tests. it was such a huge sign from above for me.

Two years ago, we were driving to the hospital to get checked in. I felt paralyzed with fear knowing I might not make it through labor and the stress it put on my body, but found the strength to face it head on with the incredible possibility of spending just 10 minutes with the amazing little girl who made me brave, who made me believe in miracles again after tragedy, and who wanted to see us so badly, that she decided to come down from heaven even up against crazy, unfathomable odds. ♥

when daddy is in charge

my heart & soul are literally bubbling over with inspiration these days, so that is not the reason behind my lack of updates. it is simply time. but, i am working on making the time, finding a balance between all of the pieces of my life i am so lucky to get to try to keep up with; i think many of us are trying to find balance.

the other night i was enjoying a wonderful phone call with one of my oldest and dearest girlfriends. rory and sookie seem to think their noise levels need to increase tenfold whenever momma is on the phone (i smirk as i type this because he will adamantly deny it.) i slipped outside to chase after a little quiet.

i went undisturbed a little too long, to the point i started to wonder what they were up to in the house. well, this is what greeted me a mere five minutes after this pondering started brewing...

girl has a lot of hair accessories, you have to give her that. this isn't even the half of it. i burst out into fits of careless laughter and fell a little bit more in love with the both of them and their silly antics.

it is the little things.
when our story replays on our way out of this life, i truly believe it is the BIG stuff, but a billion of the tiny moments interlaced with them as well.

the happiest of fridays to you!
xo.

14 Months

 I'm having fun with picnik's collage feature. Can you tell?

Also, I swore I would never ever dress my daughter in animal print

however

a zebra in pink sparkly high heels?

Come on! That is too fabulous to pass up.

Little Miss Sassy Pants,

You cry at 1 a.m. I pick you up. Rub your back. Change your diaper. Give you some milk. I still have pangs of not being able to breastfeed, but I'm forgiving myself. I feel a deep comfort in the fact my body swaying back and forth is enough for you to be calmed. And when you put your head on my shoulder? I'm goo. Grateful, cliche silly mommy goo.

I have to laugh at myself because lately here I am thinking my baby is this little girl all grown up and you are so tiny still. Young I should say. Sweet. Innocent. Alright... most of the time.

And I realize it isn't enough for me to tell you things are happy and good, I have to show you. It isn't enough for me to tell you we are happy girls in this house, I have to show you how to be content. I have to be joyful for you to grasp the notion. I have to show you how to love, how to smile even when you don't want to, how to summon your courage at your darkest moments.

This responsibility is both frightening and monumentally beautiful. Even though at times I wonder if I have it in me, I know I do. I'm so ready to continue to rise to the blissful occasion of being your mom. 

At 14 months you are daring, vocal, shining brighter than ever. You are pushing limits, testing waters, spreading your wings.

I look at you and can sense that you are at a sacred age. You are on the verge of blossoming and the anticipation of our walking talking girl is so sweet, so precious, so surreal. I'm not in a rush for you to emerge from this cusp, because I know there is no going back. At the same time I will not miss out on any of everything that is now because I'm too busy trying to clench it all in my hands at once. I happen to be giddy over the stage you are in now. In the morning you softly stroke my eyelashes and your movements are so gentle, I wonder if you are questioning where your gorgeous long lashes came from, because it definitely wasn't me.

Your latest trick is to repeatedly say momma momma momma and I retort back daughter daughter daughter. You grin with the knowledge of what we went through to get you here. The words on my lips are nothing short of pure perfection; the spoken promise of a hope so big it lights up the whole sky, the biggest most astonishing gift I've ever been given.

So Much

I see the world through Sookie's eyes lately and it is piercingly incandescent.

Deep down I know she has all of life's secrets close to her little beating heart and that is why she is so blissfully happy 99% of the time. In the very short span she has been in my life, she has taught me more than anyone else has...ever. It seems nearly impossible that just two short years ago, she did not exist. The world could learn so much from her. Perhaps that is the epitome of a mother's delusion for the power of her own child, but oh well. I feel it, so I'll document it and write about it. She wakes up with a grin engraved on her porcelain face and she goes about her day finding humor and light in the seemingly mundane. She has so much love for everything and everyone; she waves and blows kisses to strangers like it's her job and she's running for president. Except the emotion behind her friendly gestures is achingly genuine.

I don't like to dwell on what is wrong with life, but I've made a lot of excuses. There was so much holding me back, but I'm throwing it all away. The first year of motherhood is hard. It is also sweet, drastic, stunning, overwhelming, and amazingly profound. I'm turning a new leaf in various ways and ventures. And it feels so good it kind of hurts. Jogging alongside spring with her awakening, renewal, and insane drive to be better; I'm pushing, leaping into new chapters and saying goodbye to self deprecating guilt.

Life is an ongoing improvement project, isn't it? I don't ever want to lose that fire to be better.
 
One of the many lessons Sookie has made me concretely aware of? You can embark on each new day as if it is a new year, a fresh beginning to get it all put together, strung up, turned up loud and bright. And you go as far as you can with that momentum, but the really sweet secret that can elude us is that you can continue to build on that day the next morning, or if need be, you tear it all down and start from scratch. You keep repeating this until you hit a day, a groove so funky and vibrant, that you run with it as fast as you can, for as long as you can.

The changes in her daily are momentous, and yet they have soft, blurry edges that only people around her every day would even notice. Her hands are getting big. Like, so very big. I don't think a word exists to envelop how grateful I am that I get to be a part of her every day so I notice details such as this one.

I love to see her reach for me.

When there are two arms you had a part in creating and they are reaching out for you, and only you will do; these things morph into a whirlwind and there is something so ridiculously special about that it smashes everything you ever were and rearranges you into something new, someone wiser, someone more aware.

13 Months

I have a secret to tell you little Miss S...

This mommyhood adventure gets sweeter every day.

As do you.

I could write about you until my fingers fall off, but I also want to be sure to capture how you made me feel at different stages in your life. Of course this is for purely selfish reasons. Perhaps it is because I am obsessed and head over heels with the intricacies, depth, madness and pure delight that is motherhood.


Everyday you grow more and more into this little person you will one day be. It is one of the most magical things I have ever been privledged enough to witness. Your charisma shines to the outermost edges of everything.


While the above photos would have some believe you are a perfect little angel who always holds still for mommy when she's taking a picture of you, here's the reality of mommy trying to take these pictures by herself:

After awhile I threw in the towel and waited for reinforcements in the form of a jolly Poppa who can always make you laugh. Or at least hold still for two seconds. (See above for proof.)

You weigh 17 pounds; while this is small for your age, I am just grateful everyday that you are growing. Perspective is a good thing to have. You love to eat and don't mind trying new foods. You want what you want when you want it. We are working on other forms of commuicating your needs besides screaming, whining, and yelling. You are winking up a storm. You love to put your hand on the rails of the stairs when we are walking up them. I think this makes you feel like a big girl. You have an adorable new found sense of your control over your environment. I lose myself in watching you and the moments you recognize what power you have over objects in your atmostphere.

I'm excited to experience so much with you, but I'm planting my feet in the now and really focusing on loving each moment with you as it unfolds.

12 Months

Sookie, you are a year old! Can you believe it?

Writing this post for you seems like it should still be 9 months away. I will never be able to comprehend the morph of time once you become a parent. It is one of the great mysteries of life. (In addition to the question, why are Peeps so delicious?)

There's this song that Daddy plays to you; it is by Band of Horses. Some of the lyrics:

But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do
No one's gonna love you more than I do

And anything to make you smile
It is my better side of you to admire
But they should never take so long
Just to be over then back to another one

It is so sweet and so tender.

Just like you.

You are such a funny little person lately. You are full of fervor for life at every turn. You have a thousands new tricks up your sleeve, just since last month. Your latest involves pointing to things when you want something, or if you want us to look at what you are examining for the time being.Your new way of communicating is screaming; at the top of your lungs. I'm less than thrilled with this and hope I can teach you other ways to voice your needs. I've been doing sign language with you since about 3 months, but apparently screaming is much more your style. Is it the redhead in you? You have discovered how to turn the light on and off in the dryer. This is the coolest thing in the world. You make annoyed sounds in the car if I don't turn on your kid songs like 'If You're Happy And You Know It', 'Wheels On The Bus' and 'Little Bunny Foo Foo', among others. Shutting the door hasn't lost it's appeal yet, and you think it is oh so silly to peek around the corner at me and grin from ear to ear. You are testing me at every opportunity you get; you look at me and smile while you are doing something you know you are not supposed to do. Banging on my laptop keyboard and trying to put your foot in Jack's water dish rank high on this list.

You love to gasp in delight when you are really excited about something. It is hilarious. It reminds me of the 4th of July when everyone is ooing and ahhing over the fireworks, except with you it is something as simple as butt paste or cheese.

You like to hold the tube of butt paste while I change your diaper and you like to eat cheese; just to clarify.

You have been attempting to wink the past week or so and it might be one of the greatest things I've ever witnessed. You put your whole face into the effort and really concentrate.

You aren't walking and I'm okay with that. I'm not worried about it, no matter how many people ask me if you are yet. I know you will when you are ready. You are already fast enough! I need a head start to figure out how to keep up with you because it is a challenge these days.

You still love healthy foods; despite the fact I have let you play in two chocolate cakes during your birthday week.

I'm so lucky to be your Momma and I simply cannot wait to see what lessons you will teach me during your second year! I'm looking forward to building new memories and skipping through new adventures with you.


I've been showered with pixie dust, for I get a piece of this grand little corner of the world you take up.

And that is quite magical, sweet girl.

Quite magical indeed.

I'm so lucky to be your Momma and I simply cannot wait to see what lessons you will teach me during your second year! I'm looking forward to building new memories and skipping through new adventures with you.

Sookie's 1st Birthday Party

Sookie's actual birthday was on Tuesday, but we celebrated with family on Saturday. Her party was purple and pink candy themed.

The amazing invites by the fabulous Jessica how cute are they? I am so thrilled with how they turned out!

I've gone through a myriad of emotions the past week or so; grateful, mesmerized, awe, with just a hint of longing for the precious moments scattered across the past 365 days with our girl, wanting to hold that 5 pound miracle in my arms again. Every parent says the first year flies by and truly, it does. It passed much quicker than my pregnancy.

 

Sookie and Glamma. I made her shirt and just adore how it came together! I'm craft challenged, so this was extra exciting for me.

The rock candy chandelier I had a crazy whim to create. It is still hanging up and Sookie squeals with delight when I hold her up to touch it.

I decided to hang her monthly photos across the mantle so we could all see how much she has changed!

The wreath I made for the front door.

Candy cane tree I made

My momma helped me make the cupcakes. I am domestically challenged, but wow, they were delicious.

These photos sum up what I can't put into words. There was so much love in our house that afternoon. We are some unbelievably lucky people to have such remarkable family members.

I adore how she brings us all together; how she motivates and inspires us all to be better.

Here's to a sparkling weekend; I hope yours was fabulous too.

11 Months

At 11 months, you are still an itty bitty girl. I love it because you are so small , nevertheless mighty. Your strength amazes me everyday; how strong you are when you decide to take hold of mommy and daddy's headboard and how tough you were to make it here.

You and I had a conversation in the kitchen the other day. I was eating pickles (imagine that) whilst holding you. I told you how happy I am that you are here and how excited I am to be your mommy. I told you how brave I think you are because I genuinely believe it was your bravery and grace that carried me through the pregnancy. I told you how sorry I am that I wasn't more positive during the whole journey while you were growing inside of me, it was simply that I was worried. I had no idea what to expect or even prepare for. Yet I think you knew all along you were going to blaze all these new trails and break all the rules. I think you knew it with your whole being, even in my darkest moments when I stopped believing I would ever get to meet you outside of the womb.

Whew. I'm okay, really. Usually I don't bombard you with heavy talks like that. Today I simply felt I needed to.

You probably think I am a little wacko for these talks and then the dance parties we have in the kitchen half an hour later. You might be catching on to the fact, that is how we live around here.

These days you are always going full speed ahead and I think your goal every second is to see how fast you can splash out all of the water in jacks dog dish. I realize you are an Aquarius, but girl you are obsessed with the water bowl. And his dog food too. I think you would eat it for every meal if you could.

Things mama is actually letting you eat lately? Toast with butter, cucumbers, olives, sweet potatoes, black beans, pickles, cheese, pasta, oh you have a weakness for pasta like I do. You also love tomatoes still and avocados. It is a fun new journey watching you eat more adult food. I want to just squeeze you when I notice your tiny little fingers picking up your food, your movements are so delicate and purposeful.

Last week, we started switching you over from formula to organic whole milk. This is a bittersweet step for me because it signals you are upcoming on your second year here in this beautiful, and yet crazy world, but I am also so relieved because not being able to breastfeed has been a battle emotionally.

You have many new toys from Christmas. We have so much fun pretending in your little kitchen and daddy and I always seem to get the most obnoxious songs stuck in our heads. I revel in your curiosity in how the world works; what shampoo bottles are, what the toilet is, what my shoes taste like. I think the world would be more alive if everyone had your curiosity and held onto it.

You love everyone's teeth, mommy's shoes, and clapping. You clap a lot and with such determination.

For Christmas Santa brought you a tent for your room that resembles a tree; we put some play balls in there too and you finally love it. (I think your fun cousin Kenley helped you realize how much fun you can have in there!)

A few days ago, we were playing, you pretended to comb my hair with your toy comb and I burst into tears. Little moments like these I've had over the years with the sweet kids I have been a nanny to, but when they are with you I just burst with sheer awe of the reality we are having these mommy/daughter moments. I'm a little bit emotional these days, can you tell?

Physically you are a champ when it comes to crawling. You are so speedy, I often wonder if you sneak my diet coke when I'm not looking. We have to keep the door to the bathroom closed because you think the toilet is fascinating. You like to walk when holding onto both of someone's hands or when you have the crutch of your walker to aid you. I'm perfectly fine with this. I'm not in a hurry to have you walk!

You are full of chatter, sometimes we can even understand what you are saying. In addition to the ever present "momma" and "dada", you have started calling Glamma something similar to momma, but it is slightly different and you only say it when she is around. You continue to say puppy a lot (for Jack, well and other dogs as well), sometimes you say poop, bye bye, book, and I swear today you said nap, but perhaps that was wishful thinking and a fluke. ;)

You love to take the clothes out of the dryer as I am putting them in.

You can understand the concept of what a kiss entails. In fact, last night you ripped off daddy's glasses and then gave him a big kiss. I missed it but the way daddy describes it to me makes me melt with love for the both of you.

These monthly posts of your growth and development always tend to be my longest ones. Hmmm, I wonder why? It couldn't possible be because momma falls more and more in love with you every single minute and that you are pretty much my favorite human being ever.

A Small Left Ventricle

(I wrote this Wednesday the 22nd, and am just now posting.)

I've been reflecting a lot lately. This time of year always brings it out in me, but with the events during the pregnancy that all occurred last year at this time, these days the past is on my mind a lot.

(That has always been a battle of mine; living in the past.)

A year ago today I was on bed rest except for doctor's appointments. I had a long day ahead at the hospital, appointment with my actual doctor, blood work, non-stress test. (This was all the Tuesday after I spent the night in labor and delivery because of concerning contractions.) During the NST, Sookie's heart rate was irregular and they set up an unscheduled ultrasound. I knew they were watching us both closely but it felt so out of left field. Her other NST's had been fine. I had an ultrasound just 2 weeks prior and nothing was of concern. I still remember minute details from that day. The sweet but perky NST nurse who was way too positive even in the face of potential life changing moments. The jittery with anxiety maternal fetal medicine specialist, who talked in a low voice with the ultrasound tech about my daughter like neither of us were there. I remember tears cascading down my cheeks during the ultrasound. I remember thinking I have risked my life for this child and it still isn't enough to get her here safe. I have stopped medication that is crucial to my own health, yet will most likely harm hers.

I was told to see a pediatric cardiologist at the children's hospital here. Someone would call me to set up an appointment. We received this news three days before Christmas.

Fast forward 20 or so minutes later; sitting in a restaurant with R and my mom. Trying to force food down, but crying instead. Our poor waitress, I felt so bad for her. Then we received a phone call. My sweet cousin S had suddenly and unexpectedly passed on during the night.

I immediately felt selfish. Yes, Sookie had heart problems. Yes, I was panicking, anxiety filling every fiber of my mind. Then I was so quickly reminded how it can all be gone. Just like that. Life itself. I made some sort of bizarre deal with myself that if we were blessed enough for her to make it through delivery and we were able to bring her home, I could handle anything.

I write about this because it is part of Sookie's Story. I write about this because it had a huge impact on my emotional well being on Christmas last year. I write about these things a year later because writing has always helped me sort my thoughts and emotions. To me, when I write, it is like organizing my closet. Sounds silly, but it is true. Oh okay well this shred of fear goes in this little box over there...and so on. Yes I still get upset thinking about that day even though I shouldn't. After two trips to the pediatric cardiologist, which included a fetal echo during my pregnancy, and another echo on her when she was just a week old, they said her heart is perfect.

{Our sweet little one getting her EKG before her echocardiogram.}

Things that are making me happy these days? Sookie feeding me some of her pomegranate (her newest food obsession), Sookie simultaneously growling and kissing her reflection on my laptop screen, rain instead of snow, toffee, Sookie's face at her first taste of Red Rocks' homemade root beer, heated seats in my car, Sookie saying "book" the other night, and gingerbread lattes.

10 months

Well Little Miss, you are 10 months old. Can you believe it? Because I can't.

I was wondering if I would have anything new to gush on you about since I was two weeks late with your 9 month post. However, it turns out you decided to learn a million and a half new talents just in a few short weeks. Talk about making an already overly emotional mama even more happy and sad about the very concrete fact you are growing up entirely too fast.

I have treasured every single second I have been able to spend with you. I have taken so many photos that sometimes people tease me about it. But you know what? When all is said and done, photos are priceless. I feel such a peace looking back at your sweet life already. I cannot even begin to find the words to showcase how amazed I am that I have been able to stay with you for these 10 months. I have been busier than I ever have been in life, but we are lucky ladies that Daddy works exceedingly hard so that we can have the luxury of abundant time together. (And it is a luxury, I truly believe and know that with all of my heart.)

I could write about you forever; your quirks, your sweet little toes, your hands, your hair that is all of a sudden curly and messy in the mornings.

I also find myself wishing I could document every single minute of your revolutionary existence. It is a futile daydream, but still one nonetheless.

You have learned how to turn yourself around, climb, and stand up in your high chair. Feeding now requires us to strap you in; you don't like this very much but I wish I could explain to you it is for your own good.

You give the best hugs. They are the best simply because you have a real sense of urgency and purpose behind the power in your little arms as you wrap them around my neck and promptly squeeze with all of your strength. I melt every single time. It was one thing for me to love and squeeze on you before, but now that you can actually show deliberate affection is just the greatest thing in the world.

You have started waving goodbye with so much fervor, I can't help but laugh. It is almost as though now that you have it figured out, you want to do it with such vigor as to make up for all of the times before when you weren't quite ready or able.

You adore throwing things, namely toys and food. Jack loves this; especially when cheerios are the object being catapulted right his way.

You are really beginning to love books and this makes me so happy I could burst. You can now turn the pages and like to pay attention more than you have been able to in the past. You are particularly fond of the books that feature all different textures.

You grab onto my legs and pull yourself up several times a day. It is as though you haven't seen me in years and must be in my arms. When it is nap time or bed time, you stand up in your crib and cling to my waist. This makes it incredibly difficult for Mommy not to pick you up.

You are interacting with Jack more and more. I think sometimes he loves it and sometimes not so much. Probably because many times lately you want to just grab his ears or skin and you don't realize he doesn't like that. He makes you laugh and laugh and laugh; which is the most beautiful sound on earth.

You can sense when there is tension in a room and you try to vocalize it. As if you are telling everyone upset to calm down and relax.

I try to give you choices already in what you are going to wear and eat. I'm sure soon enough it will be a battle.

You are napping better during the day and in the crib, which Mommy is beyond grateful for.

Your "hyper teeth kisses" as we like to call them are getting more and more hilarious and painful at the same time. When you are having your energetic time right before bed, you try to kiss every surface of our faces; except that your teeth become involved 90% of the time and it hurts! I still can't stop laughing whenever you try to though.

Here is a video of another one of your newest tricks:

9 months

Sweet babydoll, you are 9 months old.

{Your shirt says "All I need is love and my Daddy." It is so difficult to get you to stay still these days, I had to distract you with Skittles leftover from Daddy's Halloween costume.}

Unfortunately you celebrated on the actual day by confronting your very first stomach virus. (Which is why I am so late with writing this.) Then you caught a cold, which you are still getting over. It was a scary ordeal all around and I am just glad it was only a bug because I was worried it was much worse. You were doing so well! You haven't really been sick at all up until this point. Daddy and I were even talking the other day how lucky we are that we haven't had to take you to the doctor for sickness. Ha! We shouldn't have celebrated that victory out loud. It ended up being one of the most challenging weeks I've had in years. All three of us were so sick and yet still trying to take care of each other. I struggle when I feel helpless and I definitely felt it for several days there. You reminded me of so much though; you were such a trooper and so strong. After you recovered from the initial shock of vomiting and the fact Mommy and Daddy couldn't do anything to stop it, you actually had some smiles for us. Your contagious joy and delight in the simple things is really what kept me sane throughout the whole mess. Daddy had infected spider bites while all of this happened too, so it was difficult not to wonder why everything was being thrown at us all at once. I kept reminding myself no matter how sick we all were, it was only temporary. And that in the big picture, we really are so lucky. There are few things more difficult than trying to take care of someone else when you feel so weak you can't get out of bed.

You reminded me how stubborn you are, which I always knew you would be if and when you survived the pregnancy. That is a good thing when you need to find your way in this world and when you are sick! :)

It fascinates me that even with your very limited vocabulary (Mama, Dada, Papa, Baba) you communicate and express your feelings and wants so perfectly. Sometimes a little too well. You are already throwing temper tantrums...yikes! You growl, clench your fits and grit your teeth. It is adorable now but I can't encourage it too much. I'm hoping this means you are going to be an angelically well behaved two year old. I can dream, can't I?

You adore Jack so much just watching him jump into bed with us makes your day! You love to tease him, sneak him cheerios when you think I'm not watching, and sometimes you like his toys better than your own. I'm even contemplating buying you dog toys so that you can play with them and not get germs from his. You love to reach out your hand to him for kisses. His water and food dish is one of your newest obsessions; you laugh happily as you splash your hands in his water and your busy little fingers grip tight to chunks of his food because you know you are not supposed to be playing with them.

You don't like to cuddle much anymore, unless you are tired or sick. You are always on the move, crawling everywhere, pulling up on every surface that will allow you to; you don't hold still much at all. It's exhausting albeit so fun for me to watch you explore your world and discover new and mesmerizing things like door stoppers, tissues, scales, empty 12 pack diet coke containers, and teeny tiny specs of dirt on my otherwise clean floor.

We are having a tumultuous time with sleeping, but you did so well for so long I suppose it was bound to happen. Mommy believes in the benefits of co-sleeping, but also that you need some crib time too. We are trying to find a balance between the two. You are so busy I think most of the time you are completely drained and ready for sleep, but you just don't want to miss out on anything.

You love your veggies still, I am so grateful! Everything but peas. You recently have tried mashed potatoes, cheerios and yogurt for the first time. Not all together of course. You still aren't quite sure what you think of the yogurt, but the mashed potatoes and cheerios are big hits. The other night I let you have a taste of a bread and butter pickle and you loved it so much you were upset when I took it away. You are a petite little thing, like we thought you would be, but you are physically strong and have a wonderful appetite.

Your development is so normal and yet such a thrill and tiny miracle to me. I can't believe you are pulling yourself up. In the past few weeks you have really started to take more of an interest in your books. I'm so pleased with this; we started reading to you right when we brought you home because I want you to appreciate how amazing books can be. You are gaining the ability to pay more attention to stores and you love to turn the pages and kiss every character on each page. Every day you grow more and more into a little person full of her very own spark and zest for everything and everyone.

8 months!

Miss Sookie Sierra, can you believe you are 8 months old? It is simply amazing. You are everywhere these days and Mama has to watch you like a hawk. I treasure every second of this time but let's be real for a second, it can be a struggle as well. I have to remind myself multiple times a day that you won't remember if the house is spotless, but reading with you and playing with you will be so evident in your blossoming personality and your exquisite development I get to be a part of every single day. It is precious to me how interested you are in finding out how the world works and what every little thing does, feels like, sounds like, or tastes like.

I realize as your Mama I am completely bias of your beauty. However, we live in the land of people with 10 million children, and yet when we are out and about I am always stopped by strangers who comment on how cute you are. You are also very friendly to everyone and love to flash smiles at people you don't know.

You absolutely love being outside. You love all things that have to do with nature. Poppa often takes you outside to pick flowers for me. You encountered your first praying mantis the other day and you were tickled with joy. You love to go on walks with Jack and I. These days you are crawling everywhere. You think Jack's water dish is a new toy. You can pull yourself up in your crib and Glamma and Poppa's family room coffee table. You can hold your bottle all by yourself now. (I joke you don't need me anymore and are ready to move out on your own. Haha!) You clap your feet a lot, it is the cutest thing ever. Glamma taught you how to do paddycake; you even try to sing as you clap your hands. You have 4 new teeth on top that decided to all break through at once, you are such a tough girl! (You had to be to get here, right? :)

Last month you went to the fair for the first time. You also went to the circus for the first time. I was anxious about how you would react and knew there was a good possibility you would not like it and we would have to leave early. But, you had so much fun! I think you actually enjoyed all the noise, and then when you were over it, you simply decided to take a nap.

You still love to eat. You are doing great on your veggies; tomatoes and squash seem to be your favorites right now. Mama needs to learn how to make baby food though because I know it would be so much healthier for you! And of course you deserve only the best. You love books; specifically all of yours that have textures to explore.

Your personality just astounds me every minute; it is so big and bold already! You are so much fun and teach me new lessons multiple times a day.

Sookie's Story

{I wanted to post this because sweet Sookie is 8 months old today! A little background information; I was 15 months when I was diagnosed with Cystinosis. I was 11 years old when I had my kidney transplant, my amazing mother was the donor. I am 27 now, was 26 when I gave birth. The following appeared in the Spring/Summer 2010 Cystinosis Research Network newsletter. After a lot of thought, I left out everything about her heart. I felt it would have made the piece triple the length, I wasnt ready to revisit that situation again emotionaly, as I wrote this in April, and honestly, I didn't want anyone to think Cystinosis affected her heart in any way or form, because it didn't. )

Some of the most profound lessons I have learned in life came from little friends younger than 6 years old. But, I always pictured my future involving an adoption.

On a magical evening last June, one of my lifelong dreams started to come to fruition; and then I panicked. I needed to find a perinatologist (an obstetrician who has received further specialized training in high risk pregnancies) whom I trusted with not only my life, but the life of my unborn child as well. I would love to say I was a bouncing ball of sunshine and positivity through the entire pregnancy, but in truth I wasn’t. There were many unknowns. It was complicated, thorny, uncharted territory. I would be walking a path that very few have conquered. I knew the risks. I knew the reality of one of us not surviving, or losing my transplanted kidney. It was by far the most difficult journey of my life, and not to play the victim card, but there have been some jagged ones. With all of that being said, I would do it all again in a heartbeat; with a little bit more optimism sprinkled throughout.

At my first appointment, they said I was barely five weeks along. I felt it was imperative to be followed closely from the very beginning. Synthroid was the only medication I took during the pregnancy, however I was only taking that and Cystagon before. Synthroid is considered safe during pregnancy. I had my kidney transplant in October of 1994, but I am no longer on any anti-rejection drugs. I followed Dr. Gahl’s recommendation to stop taking Cystagon for the duration of the pregnancy, but I did continue to use the cysteamine eye drops as he assured me that not enough of the cysteamine would reach the blood to be of concern.

It’s strange how quickly your life is divided up into a week at a time. It is eerie how just one tiny week can feel like a marathon; emotionally, physically, and mentally. Each and every Thursday I would wake up, basking in the notion she grew one more week safely inside of my womb. At the beginning of it all, I made a goal to make it to thirty two weeks. It wasn’t ideal, but considering my kidney and being at risk for preeclampsia, among other things; I felt it was even a little too optimistic. The ironic thing is, a day after that crucial 32 weeks I spent the night in labor and delivery because it appeared for a little while that I was going into labor. It turned out to be a false alarm, but things were definitely interesting from there on out.

One of the most pivotal moments of my pregnancy was an afternoon when I first started to agonize over the decision to get the H1N1 vaccine. I was smack in the midst of one of my biweekly meltdowns, knowing that no matter what decision we made, it would be the wrong one. I can’t pinpoint exactly what week of the pregnancy I was in, but I knew Sookie was just barely past that viable week 24. I was overwhelmed with the feeling that she had made it this far, but the threat of losing her to H1N1 was a concrete one. That was when Rory held me close and said to me, “She’s going to make it all the way to our arms.” I can’t explain it but that simple statement made it real and possible and it made Sookie unstoppable.

Early on in the pregnancy, I decided to donate the placenta for research purposes. Funny thing is, it actually ended up causing us to have to delay the birth by a few days because of the logistics of getting it in the mail and to San Diego in a timely manner. Being a trailblazer is not always fun!

Even though everything worked out in the end, it was not easy. I had extra doctor appointments, multiple ultrasounds, and non stress tests twice a week starting at 32 weeks. The non stress tests were simply precautionary, and were to make sure she was not in distress. Because of my health history I was at risk for many things, including premature labor, stillbirth, and preeclampsia, just to name a few. There were no major complications, but it did take a remarkable toll on my body. My thyroid levels didn’t want to balance. My dose of Synthroid had to be adjusted constantly. I was exhausted what felt like the entire pregnancy, but all things considered I know I am blessed. Despite the extreme fatigue, I was able to work part time as a nanny right up until 32 weeks when I was put on bed rest.

As the third trimester went on, my doctor explained to me that he was more worried about my health than Sookie’s. I had a tough time with the whole idea of being induced and would never have agreed to it if it wasn’t medically necessary. I am like many people with a chronic disease who feel the need to be in control of every little thing. Even though I have had to rely on modern medicine for many things in my life, I also feel that sometimes letting nature do its thing is the best way to go. It was as if my head knew it was indeed a medical necessity not to push the pregnancy any further, but my heart was best friends with my inner hippie who just kept insisting things could happen on their own. I was most apprehensive about the birth, the side effects and risks of the induction drugs and just never feeling completely comfortable with the notion of forcing my body and the baby to both do something neither of us was ready for.

I felt like I was given miracles on top of miracles throughout this adventure. First, there is the fact that we were able to conceive at all. Then, that we made it to 12 weeks and after that the viable 24 weeks. And then to make it to 37 weeks, which is considered full term, I was in complete shock! In addition, avoiding pre-eclampsia, and my kidney escaped unscathed? Well, that was just icing on the cake!

Induction is a long process. I was prepared for it to take 24 hours. We went to the hospital at 5:30 p.m. on Sunday. At 1:53 on a beautiful Monday afternoon of February's first day in 2010, Sookie came into this world. I held her hand while she was placed on my tummy and Rory cut the cord. Her cries were so loud and full of life; the most precious sound I've ever heard or will ever hear.

It has been tricky to put this experience into a neat little package of words. I wanted this overall chapter of our story to convey the hope that is so tangible, but also the reality that none of it was easy or without risk. I was tremendously lucky, but I also had superb kidney function before the pregnancy. I truly believe that fact was a colossal blessing and key to this whole voyage working out the way it did. I wake up every day and continuously marvel in the beauty and sheer phenomenon that is Sookie.

The Sweetest Words I Will Ever Hear

Please excuse her messy face with food all over it (this was clearly during lunch time) and her crazy hair she has going on. I've been putting bows in it lately and poof, it stays that way when I take them out. (Too funny.)



This girl has been saying the above a lot lately. I adore how her whole face is involved in the process. She has also been giving kisses. These are her two newest talents. I love it! I can't believe how fast she is changing, learning, growing; becoming her own little being.

7 months

Oh sweet thing. Wasn't it just a few days ago when you turned 6 months old? It's a cliche and I know I have said it over and over again, but so true how quickly time passes. At exactly 1:53 p.m. on the 1st, I looked at the clock. I was standing in the kitchen holding you (most likely making you lunch) and it was such a precious moment to see how far we've come in 7 months, to think back on that gorgeous February afternoon when it seemed like the whole entire world was encapsulated in that labor and delivery room, how my sobs of pure joy and relieved laughter danced together when I heard your first cries... and to think about how tiny your little legs were a year ago at this time.

Every day is a new trick with you! You crack me up. The other night you started crawling; you get up on your hands and knees and wobble back and forth a little bit, then you lunge like you are trying to hop a cliff, it is hilarious. You are so stubborn already and Mama knows that is why you made it here against the odds, but it also worries me a little; as I am sure before I know it you will be a toddler testing out my college education in Child Development.

You also like to move your mouth up and down, up and down, like you are making fun of me that all I say is blah blah blah to your ears. ;)

You are very good friends with Jack. You love him to pieces and sometimes grab his skin too hard and oh boy he will let us know. Sometimes I swear you will leap out of my arms to get to him. He makes you laugh lots and lots. You enjoy trying to have a conversation with him. I'm sure you can understand his barks and he, your babbles.

You are eating really well. You eat rice cereal and some sort of veggie twice a day now. If we would let you, you would do it all by yourself.

Sleep? Well you are a great sleeper but sometimes not during the day; I think you are afraid you will miss something.

You have two bottom teeth! They made their grand entrance not too far apart, the week after we had your half birthday party. They are so cute and just make your smile even more precious that it already was.

You are sitting up by yourself with no help at all! It was a battle of balance for awhile there, but you conquered it and have the hang of it now.

All these milestones all together, just within a few weeks of each other!

6 months

Oh sweet bean, you are half a year old! It feels as though you are changing every minute. I can't believe it has only been half a year since you have been in our lives, and yet in other ways it seems like you just arrived yesterday. Daddy and I went on a date a few days ago and did a lot of reminiscing. As we talked about all of the fun old memories we have made together, at almost the exact moment, we both tried to explain how eerie it is that you weren't here with us then because it feels like you have been in our lives forever.



Lately you are learning new things so quickly! You love to scratch the sheets in your crib and on Mommy and Daddy's bed. You are very into texture. You also adore putting your hands on people's faces to make sure they have facial hair. You seem disappointed to find out Mama and Glamma indeed do not. You like to reach out and pet Jack, and I just melt when I see the sparkle and wonder in your eyes as you watch him. Today you actually grabbed his ear with a death grip and I was scared he was going to snap at you, instead he simply whimpered until I came to the rescue. You still love music as much as ever and these days you sing back to us.



Your find motor skills are marvelous! If we hold a bottle close to you, you will grab it and put it in your mouth. You can't quite hold it by yourself yet, but you will be able to very soon! You grab for toys all the time. You are getting very good at sitting up unassisted, but sometimes gravity wins that friendly little argument.



One of your favorite hobbies as of late is blowing raspberries. I would try to teach you that it is not nice, but I might have to wait awhile because it is just too cute right now. You have also discovered that you can shake your head no. A few days ago Daddy asked you if you wanted to talk and you vehemently shook your head no.



Every month I have taken your photo in the same spot, on the couch, in the front room with a sign, but this month was such a challenge! You were so curious about the paper and wanted to crinkle it all up and eat it. You had Mama laughing so hard.

I savor watching you blossom into your own little person.



I took this photo of the sunset on your actual 6 month birthday on Sunday. I have not made any edits to it. I think it is so spectacular and captures the beauty of the past half a year we have had with you and the hope and adventure of what is yet to come!