today is a miracle: February 2011

28 February 2011

Miscellany Monday

I'm linking up to Miscellany Monday. It is a good thing I can ramble on random quite well.

01; I'm reviving my obsession and utter adoration for Jann Arden. The woman is brilliant. Her words flow like wings in the wind. She reminds me of Alice Hoffman, but in songwriter form. Really digging Daughter Down, especially the verse "If I had only one, one more day to live, I'd sit in the sun, and trace my fingertips around every one, every heart that ever lost and found me." And this tasty little tidbit from 'All The Days' "and all the days will wrap around our fingers, they'll hang around our hearts like bits of stars" Isn't that just fluffy ear candy?

02; I make sure Sookie eats 90% organic meanwhile I drink Diet Coke. I realize this needs to change.

03; I was really excited to indulge in the shallowness and glitz of the Oscars, but honestly....I was bored. I've decided I need to see Black Swan and The King's Speech. However, I adored Mila Kunis' dress. It was like a mash up of Bellatrix Lestrange and Carrie Bradshaw.

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04; She's 13 months tomorrow, but I still become so giddy when it is time to get Miss S dressed and ready for the day. I can put her in ensembles I don't have the guts to wear. When she gets older I want her to have fun with her fashion.

05; Speaking of that though; spurred by a recent trip to Kohl's that included some rhinestone boots and a haircut on Saturday that revitalized my waves, I think that the inner fashionista in me will be channeling cowgirl chic this spring and summer. Sounds fun, doesn't it?

06; There is nothing like being woke from a dream about your past to the face of your sweet and innocent present and future.

07; After the stress and overall grayness of the weekend, today started out unbelievably cheery! Sales on Apps were stellar yesterday and I've already had three orders for these beauties! What a way to start the morning!

I hope your Monday is filled with nothing but the best!

27 February 2011

Celebrate Gratitude

When I sit down and ponder all the little things that kept me going throughout the week, I instantly feel a light in my heart and a spring in my step.

The key is convincing myself I have the 10 or so minutes to spare.

When I'm sleep deprived, my fuse is very short. I don't like it. I want Sookie to be able to see the good in everything and it feels like such a hard lesson to teach her and model for her. But I'm trying and will continue to do so. Although, I think we are doing something right because at her party she was so genuinely excited for each present. There is nothing like the pride that comes from seeing your daughter truly cherish every gift she is given. It is quite the challenge to always be the person I want her to see me being. I can't always be the best version of myself, but I ache to show her that is a goal she should try to aim for, day in and day out.

This week I am head over heels thankful for: Chipotle, Sookie saying turtle in the bathtub, being there when R woke up from his oral surgery, reminders that even though I am completely overwhelmed, trying to take care of R and be there for him when he is in pain, plus stay on top of my daily momma duties, I’m capable, even if it was just a trip to Target with Miss S, inspiring quotes, hippo pajamas, more winking from Sookie, a dinner that consisted of sushi (for me) and McDonalds (for R) to showcase how truly different we are, glitter pumps even if they were too little for me, turtle bath toys, zebra skirts (even though I swore I would never dress my daughter in animal prints), and shorter and consequently curlier hair as a result of a much needed cut.

I wish the hippo pajamas came in my size.

We were finally able to capture the winking on video. I keep asking her to slide down because she was standing in her high chair and then sliding down, but when I asked her to repeat it, she would wink. Whatever works, right? Also, if you've ever encountered those freakish toys that are sing-a-ma-jigs, you will surely recognize her spot on impression. This child is so shy and utterly unhappy. Ha.

Hope you were able to celebrate the little things that filled up your week/end.

25 February 2011

Five Minute Friday

It is Friday again. Where did this week go? I'm linking up to The Gypsy Mama and participating in Five Minute Friday. Sometimes I need the challenge of writing for 5 minutes and seeing what comes out; no over analyzing what I say, no paranoia about who I might offend or who might be reading, no editing, no revising. The result? Incredibly liberating. I end up expressing areas of my life I don't often venture into on the blog. It is a freeing experience.You should try it and link up as well; it truly is a great exercise for those of us who have an infatuation with words.

I do have to admit, when I first read the subject for this week; my heart stopped.

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Go:

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Five years ago I was a career obsessed ~~lady~~ girl. I had not yet met Rory or realized how blindingly beautiful love could be.

Five years ago I thought I still had forever with my little sister, I had no idea I only had a month left with her.

Five years ago I thought I knew what tragedy was. I thought I knew what mattered. I thought I knew what stress was and who was important.

Five years ago I was a 22 years old and thought I knew a lot, but it turns out there was so much I needed to learn.

Five years ago I thought stress was trying to keep up with full time college classes, being a nanny, and fulfilling family and friends social time.

Five years ago I was a nanny to a sweet precious girl who had been battling leukemia. Five years ago I thought I would spend my days taking care of sick children and teaching them how to cope with horrific hospital emotions, tests, and procedures. If you would have told me five years ago, that I would be a mother, I would have told you that you were completely insane. Five years ago I didn’t know Sookie and that seems so sad and wrong to me.

Stop.

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That is all I have.

Here's hoping I can get some rest tonight. It has been a draining week. Last night I was up every hour between making sure R was comfortable and the fact Little Miss S is getting three new teeth. Poor baby doll.

I'm off to dreamland.

23 February 2011

Project 365: Week 6

I'm still playing catch up with Project 365. I try to take photos of other things besides Miss S, but let's face it; she's a huge part of my life! And she's so cute I can't stand it.

{2.6.11} Ready for the Superbowl in her green and yellow.

{2.7.11} Her favorite time of day.

{2.8.11} Fun in the snow.

{2.9.11} Sloppy Maple BBQ Turkey Joes

{2.10.11} 12 month check up

R is such a supportive Daddy, he has been to every single one of her appointments.

He was at every one of my appointments during the pregnancy.

I'm a very lucky lady!

{2.11.11} Miss S's dinner; black beans, corn and pasta

{2.12.11} Shirt I made for Miss S as a part of her Valentine's gifts.
Super easy, but should I do a tutorial?

It has been a stressful and highly emotional day. I learned I'm much better at being a patient than being on the other side. I worry too much.

Hope you are having a really good week.

21 February 2011

Details

The tiny moments take up so much space in my heart lately and I remind myself to remember every detail with every sense I have, so that it will be easier to recall later.

I obsess over details; I think this is perhaps one of my best and worst qualities, simultaneously. I can remember specifics of certain events that happened years and years ago.

For example? I remember the exact nightgown I was wearing the day I went home from the hospital after my transplant. I remember the words Rory wrote to me in his very first Christmas card to me. They were so bold and robust in only knowing me for a few months, and he was unapologetic about them; not shy at all in letting me know how he felt. I remember what I ate for dinner the night we found out we were going to be parents and the whole world shifted into a much brighter beam.

This weekend? This weekend I treasure a soft night in Sookie's bedroom; Rory playing 'Landslide' while I wore my favorite little black dress (in preparation of deciding what to pack for an upcoming trip) and danced with Sookie in her fairy pajamas. I recall noticing that there are stripes on the little bow attached to my favorite bra; a tiny aspect that I've missed in the past. Maybe that is over sharing, but oh well.

A shopping trip in which Sookie spotted a complete stranger who had an eerie resemblance to my grandma who is no longer with us. To further give me goosebumps and make my heart ache? She proceeded to literally jump out of my arms towards this woman and she let this woman hold her for a good fifteen minutes. Keep in mind, this is a girl who always wants her Momma. The woman told me Miss S studies people as though she is reading their auras. Who knew such a spiritual, awakening experience was in store for me at Kohl's?

I also remember the specifics of what I considered to be a kick ass Friday night; a delicious Diet Coke from McDonalds (I do not eat their food, but their Diet Coke? For some reason it is pure perfection.), belated Valentine's chocolates I bought as a tiny treat for myself, and 'Days of our Lives'. (Don't ask me why I still watch it.) Saturday night was a few stolen grown up moments to ourselves as we ate dinner in the car while Miss S caught a cat nap in the backseat, the rain quickly morphing to a fierce snow as we talked about the big stuff, the little things (how good Chik-fil-a's honey mustard bbq sauce is on their fries) and remembered everywhere we have been.

Happy Monday!

20 February 2011

February 2011 Goals

Have I ever told you about how giving birth gave me an empowering high? How I felt like I could do anything in the weeks and months that followed?

More on that in a minute.

Perhaps I should rename this monthly post to, "A quote to live by for February". Nonetheless, this month's is a really good one.

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Funny I chose this because we will be taking a literal flight across the skies in a few weeks, but of course I mean beyond that.

I felt like I could do anything last year after I gave birth. It is an indescribable type of confidence that only comes from bringing another life into this world. It was so stunningly concrete, so perfectly valid because I had five pounds of tiny little toes, fingers, nose, and ears...all congealed and smashed together as my proof.

It was nothing short of magic.

Then, somehow, in a maze of sleep deprivation, momma guilt, choices, stress, heartache, every day frustrations, teething, tantrums...I lost that exhilarating belief and fondness in myself and my abilities. I'm on the path back to there though. No, I'm not giving birth again, (I wish) but venturing down those trails again and trusting myself like I did in those weeks and months after Miss S first arrived. It seemed like every day had a cast of soft orange light to it.

I'm much too hard on myself and forget to stop, look around, laugh, and breathe. The days when I solely focus on myself and Sookie are by far the best days. Even when I don't touch the dirty dishes, or do one load of laundry. I know when she gets older I will not remember how clean my floors were, but I will remember what she was wearing and the glee in my heart when she first winked. Or the look of excitement, fear, and momma can I really do this, on her face when she stood alone for 10 seconds.

Alas, February? Looking at the big picture and remembering to take those little twenty minute stolen mini-vacations to let the rest of the world fade away...and soar with my girl.

Corny? I don't really care.

Hope your weekend was the best.

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19 February 2011

Project 365: Week 5

{1.30.11}My gypsy girl.

{1.31.11} Birthday shoes for my sweet girl.

{2.1.11}Chocolate cake for her 1st birthday.

{2.2.11} She was mesmerized with her gloves.

{2.3.11} Target run.

{2.4.11} Cupcake with M&M with Sookie's face.

{2.5.11} My wonderful Kenley with balloons.

17 February 2011

Happy Facets

We have a few circumstances to stress about these days. But I'm treading water and leaning on people I know I can count on.

And holding close to my heart those facets of life that are oh so happy.

Like...

Making a Valentine for Daddy.

Hugging/trying to talk on the iPhone.

Last night we met up with some of my very favorite people on earth, Derek, Anzana, and Kenyon, for some yummy Thai food. We were going to head to Chipotle to fulfill my Wednesday Wish (ha) but decided it was rainy and a little windy and we didn't want to drive that far. (The nearest Chipotle to us is about 25 minutes away. Tragic, I know.) So, Thai it was! Well, we were there for about 2 minutes when the power went out. My first reaction was to panic and leave. However, it ended up being one of the best dinners ever. We ate by candlelight, joked, laughed and laughed, and Sookie was such a ham for everyone. It was such a huge reminder to me that you have to go with the flow because sometimes the unexpected is much more entertaining and beautiful than the original plan.

The drive home was incredibly scary; the traffic lights were out, the wind was so horrible we could barely see in front of us with the blizzard. I felt so overwhelmingly grateful that we made it home safe and our power was on. The little things are so critical sometimes.

Today was a massive wake up call I desperately need to find a doctor who knows what they are talking about and will figure out the cause of my hip pain. I broke down and called Rory to come home during the middle of the day because I was struggling, Tylenol and Advil didn't touch the pain and Sookie wouldn't nap. It is not easy for me to ask for help but I'm learning.

Fast forward a nap, a bath with my girl and I remembered the novel idea that I'm capable. I'm capable. Some days I simply need a dash of backup. Oh, and Sookie reminded me not to take anything too seriously when I thought we were having precious momma and baby bonding time in the tub... then she farted on me.

This is one of her newest tricks. She will usually do it with a pillow or a blanket, but sometimes she will just randomly lay down in the midst of playing. It is the cutest. My brain can't wrap around all the tricks she is coming up with lately. And how quickly! It is truly a marvel. I can just see the wheels turning and turning in her sweet little head these days.

She winks! It is basically the greatest thing I've ever witnessed in my life.

Seriously.

Happy Thursday!

16 February 2011

Wednesday Wishes

I'm linking up to Wednesday Wishes for the first time ever today. I just adore the concept.

{ONE}
For as many people as possible to share THIS LINK and to find a fellow Cystinosis woman a match for a kidney. She is incredibly sick and needs a donor right now. This is a horrific situation no one should have to go through. I was extremely blessed in the fact my mother was able to donate her kidney to me.