Feet

The other night, Sookie slept in her crib for 8 hours. Eight hours straight. This is revolutionary for her. I woke up every hour to make sure she was still breathing. I still have tremendous anxiety over SIDS. I realize she is going to be a year in a week, but still. I missed her. Silly, I see but oh I missed her. I still don't quite truly believe I deserve her. I know that I do but I feel like sometimes this is all a joke and she's going to be taken away from us. It is an ugly place to venture to in my head and that is why I have to quickly exit it and make sure the door is shut tight.

And then I go to Target in Utah County and let myself get incredibly angry with people who aren't grateful for their children.

I want to wave a magic wand over the world so people can be grateful for what they do have. But then I feel like a hypocrite because it is a trait I still need to work on in myself. The whole idea of I once cried because I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no feet. For me it is, a year ago I wanted nothing more than to survive labor and delivery to meet our sweet daughter and now I'm having a hard time keeping my chin up because all that came true, PLUS she's healthy but I continue down my path of a chronic disease. Just typing that makes me want to smack myself upside the head.

I missed a few days here because when I don't feel well, it has become quite the journey for me to focus on the good. I don't want this blog to become a place where I whine about being in pain and not receiving answers from doctors. (Just a little note: yes I've been told about the gallstones, but no one I have seen can figure out my hip pain and this past week it has been debilitating.) Although it would feel freeing to have that outlet. Medical battles are rough. All of them. They are further complicated when you are a Momma. Then it becomes really interesting when you have health issues, are a Momma blazing new trails, and can't find doctors who will educate themselves about your disease.

But I don't want to focus on that. I have many family members who have their own medical concerns right now. It is emotionally draining, mentally taxing, sometimes you just want to wash away. I want this blog to be where my focus is light, joy, gratitude, simplicity, hope, love, peace.

I read things on twitter and facebook, people are having a bad day, complaining, which of course I am as guilty of doing as everyone else. But sometimes I want to ask if they have lost a loved one today, or if they are on a transplant list waiting for a kidney. If you think about life that way, chances are you will have many more good days. Sometimes I have to ask myself those two questions too.