Trust vs Mistrust

Erikson's first stage of development, from birth to 1 year, is trust versus mistrust. A baby learns that he or she can either trust the world, that it is a safe place and they have their needs met consistently, or they view the world as unsafe and unpredictable, hence mistrust. In my years of college and numerous child development classes, I've always favored Erikson over Piaget, even though he uses a lot of Freudian ideas with his own. Although I do quite adore the whole notion that Piaget wrote about when children think the word for something is actually hidden inside of it. For example, they think the word sun is actually in the real sun.

The ironic thing is as I watch Sookie in the midst of this stage, I feel myself revisiting it as well, only from a different angle. Mommy guilt is a beast. I was a guilty person before I delved into mommyhood, always feeling horrible about something that was never my fault, however this is a whole new ball game. I feel my background in child development is serving to curse me a little bit here. I know each and every single way I might be doing things wrong and the exact and detailed consequences my shortcomings have on her development. It is a delicate balance being able to take every one of my resources and simply trust that I am doing everything in my power to raise her the way I've always envisioned I would raise a miracle child.

The other thing I'm struggling with lately is trusting the universe. I have found myself in an exceedingly tough place career wise, and now I don't have the luxury of packing up my ambitions and moving across the country in order to keep moving forward. For the past year, I have been clinging so desperately to the idea that one can excel in their career as well as motherhood, but now? Now it seems to be crumbling before my very eyes. And the faster I try to stop it, the quicker it disintegrates. Life is leading me down a path I honestly don't know how to deal with right now, but I find I become very unhappy and frustrated if I fight the flow, kicking and screaming against the current.