the heart of life

{image source}


fear is a friend who is misunderstood

but i know the heart of life is good

{john mayer; the heart of life}

don't you love it when you are listening to a song for the billionth time and bam! a line hits you in a new way, giving you an entirely fresh perspective on life in general or toward a specific aspect? 

yes. 

i have to say, i love that.

sometimes we throw our best at a conundrum, a project, an event, a less than stellar situation...and it doesn't change anything, we don't see progress, a healed wound, or the best of ourselves. frustration boils and, more often than not, turns to fear. i don't know about any of you, but fear has a tendency to paralyze me...and i don't like that. i think fear is a secondary emotion, just like anger. i think we feel fear because the underlying emotion is too much, too big, too intense for us to really grasp and digest.

in july (& beyond) i want to push myself and rise above the things that scare me. challenge myself to really feel what the fear is attempting to cover up and either face it head on, or change it. simple as that. whichever is the better solution.

there is way too much anxiety in this head of mine. sometimes. although she and i are on much more friendly terms these days; i tell her when she makes me feel like i'm drowning, she lets me know when i need to step outside of myself for a moment and step it up. i boldly tell her when to go with the flow, she gently nudges me to ebb. it is a delicate dance, a never ending sway of control. i'm surrendering to these big and beautiful lessons. i'm endlessly learning.

however.

the days i am able to catapult every fiber of my being into the absolute and utter present moment?

i love those days. those fragments of time in this big life. those minutes. those seconds. those realizations this is exactly where i should be right now.

since becoming a mother, i have to work harder to get to the peace that forms these days. but it is oh so worth it. my confidence wanes a lot; i mean, A LOT a lot. i blame it on the fact i have a degree in child development which just makes me second guess every single interaction i have with sookie. i know every tiny thing i should be doing in order to optimize her development. there is a running check list in my head and if i stumble with a misstep, i feel like i've ruined her entire childhood.


have i mentioned i like to hold myself to impossible standards?

{this photo was taken on a good day; i felt productive, confident, and capable. oh, to feel this powerful every day.}

a few days ago, in a particularly hilarious albeit fashionably questionable new trick, sookie decided a pair of my boyshort underwear would make a fabulous vest.

i kid you not. girl knows how to make momma laugh to the point of snorting.

photographic evidence:

{the blue is the underwear/vest}

(yes, & apparently i'm reverting to my 17 year old self & not capitalizing anything. also hijacking lyrics for blog entry titles... let's go with it.)

i never published a 16 month post for her.
(she turned 17 months july 1st.)
her 17 month love letter is in the process of being created. you have no idea how much this stresses me out. i know it is silly. i have a draft written, the 16 month photos were taken, the anecdotes and cute new things she discovered were carefully documented as i typed softly on my iPhone during wee hours of the morning, and yet i still feel awful. i ache to remember every smile, every little thing she did in a 24 hour period. so that when she is older i can not only tell her i was present in the blur and haze of her early years and celebrated every moment of her, but i can show her. i want her to always know the lengths i will go to for her.

& because i started with song lyrics
let's end with some really good ones too.

you walk like truth

through a world of fiction

because you are a woman

{brett dennen}