hope, heartache, happiness

hope, heartache, & happiness are doing a funny dance in my life right now. they coexist in a strange way.

it has been an intense 24 (or so) hours.
my brain is on overdrive.

yesterday afternoon at target i was making some purchases. the cashier was trying to talk me into signing up for their debit card and made a remark about how expensive diapers are and how it would help with that. i replied, "oh, our girl will be potty trained soon." then the target cashier responded with something about "when the next one comes along."

it stung.
it was like a punch.

i didn't have the heart to launch into our story. i didn't have the courage to tell her i am lucky to be alive after my pregnancy with sookie. i didn't have the audacity to tell her another pregnancy would kill me.

if only we could all think a little bit, before we speak. before we overstep boundaries and rub salt on a (very open) wound.

& the silly thing is, i'm used to these types of comments. i can usually shrug them off, let them slide off my back like a duck, pick up my girl, kiss her lovingly and move on.

but yesterday was different and i don't know why. i'm over it now though, keeping my chin up. i know how special our girl is, what an absolute miracle she is, and really i can be overly sensitive to stranger's comments.

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kelle hampton was on the today show this morning. i'll shy away from commentary about the two women who "interviewed" her, but let's channel kelle's incredible attitude and pick out the best part. kelle's words. (as always) you can find beauty in whatever, out of heartache comes happiness.

this morning i found out a young woman with cystinosis, who was in her late 20s, passed away yesterday. she lived in the UK and i did not know her personally. but oh it hit me hard. 

i'm hesitant to put into words how something like this creates a mess of feelings in my heart and my soul. there is hope, gut wrenching heartache, survivor's guilt i am here when many with cystinosis are not. there is happiness i am still here. with my family, with my daughter. who is healthy. who is energetic. who is a force to be reckon with. there is so much happening behind the scenes in the cystinosis world that will lead to treatment for all of the known adult issues. i'm honored and blessed to be on the board of directors for the cystinosis research network where hard work is being done. there is tangible hope and that is more precious than anything. i received some news a few weeks ago that is so encouraging, it left me shaking with possibility and sobbing with gratitude. the kind of news that is awesome and forever life changing. 

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then when someone my age passes away with this illness, it is like the floor is quickly ripped out from under you. it snaps me to attention. it reminds me how far we have to go. it makes my blood boil with anger and confusion. i'm propelled to spread awareness faster, to fundraise quicker and bigger and better, to fuel interest in solving the several obstacles associated with this condition.

the happiness? the happiness is the letting go of the unimportant. the past few months since my trip to the NIH i've been struggling with certain things i haven't blogged about and some i have, i finally feel (felt? hmm) like i'm turning a corner in all of it. simmering down to the core of life. it is powerful. it is tough. it hurts so good because i feel i've grown an incredible amount in a short span of time. oh, i stumble. but my chin quickly finds the way up toward the sun.

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i suppose what i'm trying to say, is that although it may sound impossible, i have hope. i'm feeling heartache. and happiness abounds in our days.

how about you? are you feeling an equal amount of hope, heartache, happiness right now? is any one emotion outweighing the other? what are you hopeful about? what causes your heart to hurt? what fuels your happiness?