live life in color

i'm missing my sister fiercely, this is something that never changes. spring brings it all rushing to the surface, to the point it seeps out of each pore. the anniversaries are what propels it; her passing and her birth, both coming up in the next two months. it is six years today since she has moved on from this world to a better one, another plane much more suited to her beauty. i do know that much. oh, i believe that much with every ounce of hope in my bones.

she taught me to live in color.

i see beyond the coincidence that the holi, festival of colors is so close to when she left us.

we splattered colors all over each other sunday afternoon.

last year i had visions of this year. our two year old happily making a huge mess. wondering why she was allowed such crazy freedom. perplexed as to why everyone was making such a disaster of themselves. curious as to why we don't participate in this much more often. reveling in the happiness so heavy in the air.

and you know what?

...it was all there. and when you see a dream come alive, no matter how small, it creates something inside of you that gives you the ambition and drive to keep going forward. no matter what.


i have very real fears about my health, things that i know will eventually happen to my body. but i saw through this little fairytale of taking my daughter to the festival of colors, when last year it seemed so far away, so unattainable. the fact that it happened makes me feel unstoppable. what else can i take on?

i know how silly that must sound. but it makes sense in my head. (& my heart!)

(something i wrote this morning)

I was going to write about how grief is a beast, and it never leaves you, and how 6 years later it is fresh and raw and hurts like hell. Then, I discovered a good omen lady bug in Sookie's hair after we had been playing outside and I wanted to write about S being her guardian angel and how I think she is the reason Sookie made it here alive and how complex it is for me to attempt to wrap my heart around the notion they couldn't ever be here together at the same time. Then, we went back outside to wait for Poppa and Glamma to pick us up and Sookie smashed 
the poor lady bug on the driveway. Oh, life. ♥