one thousand gifts

the whir of the ceiling fan and a simple white bow in her hair. two things, so ordinary, yet filled to the brim with extraordinary on a sunday afternoon when i am paying rapt attention.

martina mcbride and a cheshire cat smile moon.
friday laziness in bed with donuts and christmas specials on the iPad.
...simply because we could.

the yummiest combination ever of blue raspberry and grape sour patch kids. (& our sweet sleeping old doggy.)

secret late night tea parties under the white light of the down comforter. sipping imaginary tea and chewing pretend cake.

yes, i'm (still) reading ann voskamp's one thousand gifts. her words are sweet nectar to my eyes, mind, heart and soul. i read them slowly to absorb every last ounce of candy, then many times i go over them again, a fine toothed comb hidden in my fingers, taking each word and truly feeling it. taking it in, treasuring it, not wanting to let go.

at times the rushing current of what is to come with my health battles and the abilities that will be taken away from me is simply too much. i obsessively check my hands each morning for new muscle wasting. i fall down. i don't feel strong, in fact, i feel anything but. however, i cannot live there. i cannot miss what is happening now because i'm consumed with what will happen eventually. there is so much. and it is all special. and maybe, just maybe if i keep this running list of the boundless glory in each and every minute, i will live into the strength of a girl who can and will handle the hurdles with a grace of a seasoned warrior princess.

having the strength to cut up a lemon.
the physical power to pick up my girl, to hold her close.
being able to drive.
being able to walk.
the gift of eye sight, to behold the beauty all around.

when the tantrums come swiftly and fiercely, when she throws garbanzo beans all over in the bed, when she thinks playing in the toilet is hilarious, when she channels a redheaded tornado, when i feel like i'm living with a circus monkey, when the messes pile up, when my patience is tested, when the life keeps pulsing no matter how sick or exhausted i feel...

i have to stop.

i have to stop and hold her close and breathe deep and thank.

thank it all that i am here for this.
with her.
on earth.

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